Let's Play... Simon the Sorcerer 3D



  • edited January 2013
    I think you're blaming the programmers a bit too much especially when they aren't really the ones who actually make the 3D models and stuff, they just implement it.
  • edited January 2013
    Darth Marsden just made me WTF big time with the polygon engine comparison.
  • edited January 2013
    That Call of Cthulhu screenshot is from the canceled sequel, but yeah....
  • SydSyd
    edited January 2013
    I was never exactly a big fan of Escape from Monkey Island's art style, but it looks incredible compared to Simon 3D. I know that Escape has the advantage of detailed pre-rendered backgrounds, but ignoring the backgrounds and just comparing the character models, the difference is still astounding.

    Also, like those examples showed, the engine itself is not an excuse as it was capable of much more. The artists working on Simon 3D either had to have not known what they were doing (or at least were somehow totally unaware of the expected visual quality of PC games at the time), or they just didn't care.
  • edited January 2013
    ...and we're back.

    So we step through that gate and emerge...


    Hmm. Where... where do I go?

    Let's put ourselves into the minds of people new to this game (which I suspect most of you are). What do you do? You're supposed to get to Poliganis to meet up with Calypso, but how do you get there? Is that a phone box? What good is that? You don't want to phone anyone! Where IS everything?

    Maybe if you just start running around, you'll find something....


    ...did you watch the video? You should before continuing with this.



    Yeah. When I said this game is HUGE, that's what I meant. The world is absolutely massive, even having to be split into TWO SEPERATE MAPS, but there's only a few things scattered around it. There was absolutely NO NEED FOR THIS. I understand having a 3D world gives you the option of doing something like this, but for an adventure game this is possibly one of the worst things you can do!


    OK, obviously I've exaggerated this a little. I've deliberately chosen a path that doesn't have anything on it in order to really ram the point, and there's a few random events I've already triggered that would normally stop you, mostly in the second map. But even so, this is still an entirely possible thing to have happen.

    As is happens, those phone boxes:


    Yeah, those. They're actually warp booths (because THAT makes perfect sense), and if you enter one, you get this:


    Yep, it's a map. Exactly the sort of thing the previous games had, and WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SHOWN WHEN WE ENTERED THIS OVERWORLD.

    Excuse me while I go and have a mini freakout over this.


    ...ah, that's better.

    Oh, no, wait - I forgot to mention that there are some thing that AREN'T ON THE MAP.


    Yes, there are items that take place in between loactions that are on the map. Like this:


    And you NEED this. YOU NEED THAT SIGN.




    Oh, it's the woodworms from the first game. Whatever. I'll just take that sign and be on my way.

    Somehow, on my wanders, I discover this guy:


    His deal is that he wants some magic beans, just like that Jack and the Beanstalk thing, and in return he'll give you Daisy, the cow.

    Oh, and there's a bunch of incest jokes. They aren't funny. They're just uncomfortable.

    Up next:


    Oh hey, it's that guy we killed. If I were a more talented sprite artist, I'd make a gif of Simon dancing on his corpse, but since I suck at that sort of thing, we'll just move on.


    Ah, this is S.I.G.N. - Signal Integrated Golem Narrative. He's basically a talking sign that can direct you ANYWHERE. Not much else to say about him, except that he likes a drink (a quirk his maker installed in him), and when Simon won't give him one, he says this:


    I like him.



    This guy's a treasure hunter and he's somehow got himself stuck in a hole he dug. He offers to share whatever he digs up in future with you if you get him out.

    Naturally, you might think we have to help him out.


    No, we just steal the metal detector he's holding and leave him there.

    What makes this puzzle REALLY frustrating is the fact that not only do you need to use your kite to get the metal detector, but you have to be standing in exactly the right spot, so it's not likely to be something you'd guess at doing, and even if it was, you'd probably give up before you actually managed to do it.

    Man, FUCK 3D.


    The fairy godmother then pops up to give us a tutorial on how to use it. I'll skip that (thank god), though I will note that it happens RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GUY YOU STOLE IT FROM. Just to up the asshole quota even more.

    Anyway. I use the metal detector, and shortly thereafter find treasure!


    So we need to use the sign from earlier to dig it up. I know, it doesn't make sense to me either. Sodding adventure game logic.



    ...apparently it's a load of dirty washers. Looks like dirt from where I'm standing sitting, but whatever, I'll go with it.

    I can combine these washers with the can of Cola I bought earlier to clean them. Actually, this does make a bit of sense, since if you drop a coin into a glass of coke it will clean it, but it's still a bit of a leap. Anyway. We now have a bunch of shiny washers. Oh joy.



    Ah, finally. The bridge to Poliganis.

    ...where's the bridge?

    Ugh. I should have guessed. OK, let's talk to the guy on the other side.


    OK. He's trying to get across so he can enter the Gnome Flinging Contest. One of his rivals cut the bridge down to stop him, apparently. He's willing to help us get across if Simon wins the contest and gives him the trophy.

    Of course. So winning this contest is the main goal of this chapter.

    ...and we'll continue on with it next time, because I've got a massive headache coming on and need a break from this insanity.
  • edited January 2013
    The title of that video made me want to replace the audio with an excerpt from this, but I couldn't find where to cut it.

    Good LP so far, though.
  • edited January 2013
    This thread is where computers go to die.
  • edited January 2013
    This thread is where my sanity goes to die.

    I've just finished another session with the game, and it pissed me off to no end. SO many sections where the 3D engine resulted in a frustrating experience. OH SO MANY. If I wasn't doing a full review of this I'd have rage-quit so many times...

    The sad thing is, at the rate this Let's Play is going, I won't get to talk about them for quite some time. :(
  • edited January 2013
    ...and we're back.

    Here's where I have to come clean and admit that I did the events in a different order to the way I'm showing them here. This is particularly obvious if you pay attention to how much money I have - it's in the first of the three boxes displayed in the upper right of the screenshots.

    The reason I'm doing this is fairly simple - by reorganising the events of the game, I can tell more of a cohesive story, as opposed to the jumbled mess that was my actual gaming experience.

    I appreciate that, narratively, I should have gone straight to the bridge (to establish we need the trophy from the gnome flinging contest), then the actual gnome flinging contest (to establish what we're going to do and what we need for it) and then all the various little bits that sprang forth from there. However, that would have required going to several locations (the contest specifically) multiple times, and it also wouldn't have reflected how spaced out everything is.

    While the order I'm presenting events isn't perfect, I feel it's a good middle ground between the order I actually did discover them while playing and an order that makes sense structurally.

    ...anywa, I've babbled on long enough. Let's get to the madness.

    OK. What's next?


    Ah, this guy. He's a butterfly collector, and asks us to go and do his job for him. He gives us a net and a specimin jar, and tells us he'll pay us groats - the currency used in this series - for every butterfly we collect.

    Yes, we're really going to go and waste time collecting butterflies. What can I say? We need the money.

    But before we go do that, we're gonna nick the book he's got in his back pocket.


    It turns out to be, of all things, a guide to butterflies.



    Actually, we need this to point out that the purple butterfly, the Purple Emperor, is worth 250 groats. If we catch this, we're pretty much set for the majority of the game, so it's worth doing.

    So let's go catch some butterflies.


    ...which is a pain in the ass, make no mistake. First of all, the game doesn't tell you where the butterflies appear. It's actually in the field NEXT to where the magic bean-wanting inbred yokel is. Good luck realizing that though, since you have to spend about 30 seconds in said field until the bloomin' butterflies even spawn.


    So you'll spend a lot of time waiting around. When the butterflies do finally bother to show up...


    ...they only spawn in one at a time. Which, incidentally, is the same amount you can carry.


    Catching them's a pain in the arse too. It's not so bad once you've figured out the trick - only swing when they're a little to the left of you - but until you've got the pattern down, you'll get rather frustrated.


    Aha! Caught one!


    It's worth pointing out that the Purple Emperor won't show up until you've given any random butterfly to the collector and he specifically asks you to find one for him. So yeah, fun times.


    You have to repeat this process of waiting for a butterfly to spawn, catching it and then releasing it if it's not purple about a dozen times. This took about 15 minutes in total until FINALLY:


    Huzzah. And here's where you needed the book, because otherwise the collecter tries to give you WAY less than the 250 by claiming it's a common type.


    Yeah, no.


    Not having that, bitch. You stole 15 minutes of my life. GIVE ME MY FUCKING 250.


    Yeah. That's what I'm talking 'bout. Ka-ching.

    (For the record, I then went on to grab a few more butterflies, just for the hell of it. It explains why my wallet - the number in the left-hand box in the upper right of the screen - will show over 300 groats)

    OK, what's next?


    Ah yes, the Gnome Flinging Contest.

    I talked with both of the other contestants before finding out what was going on, but I'm going to skip that because they contribute absolutely nothing except to show off how the developers went out of their way to make Simon seem like less of a unlikeable git by making everyone else even more unlikeable.

    It almost works. Until Simon says something, of course, and then the illusion is shattered. Oh well.

    Anyway. Here's how the contest works.


    Like the man says. You have to provide your own gnome though.


    So far, the highest scoring contestant (this dick) has gotten a 9, so to beat him, we'll need to hit a bullseye.


    Oh, and yes - that is a living creature we'll be firing at the board.


    So let's go and register!


    In order to sign up for the event, we need 50 groats, which is why I did the butterfly thing BEFORE coming here. Since we've got more than enough cash as a result of that, we can go right ahead and sign up.

    We already know the rules, so we'll skip the majority of the speech we get. Except for this little bit:


    Yes. A bowl. For the chilli.


    ...apparently gnome flingers get chilli. Well, why not.

    Simon eats the chilli, but spits out the kidney beans, claiming not to like them. They're not magic, sadly, but that doesn't mean we can't do anything with them, oh no.

    Before we go though, I just need to clarify. Are there any restrictions to what we can use to fire our gnomes, or can I use whatever?


    And if that seems like an oddly specific thing for him to say, then you're not alone.


    Yes, we will be firing a gnome at a target board using a dynamite powered telescope tube.

    ...this is why I fucking hate adventure games sometimes.
  • edited January 2013
    ...and we're back.

    Up next is...

    ...well, this might be a bit hard to explain using just screenshots, but I'll do my best.

    So, there's this rock, right?


    Yeah, this one. It's marked on the map as a Hint Rock, though there's no phone booth next to it and, all told, there's nothing you can do with it.



    Yeah, you can go around it.


    I'd like to point out that I didn't even know you could walk waist-deep in the water - given how bad the collision detection is in this game, I doubt any of YOU did either - so naturally, trying this didn't even occur to me.


    This isn't a short path, either. It's a solid minute of waking through waist-deep water, because you can't go any faster. It's tedious, frustrating and, of course, ESSENTIAL.


    EVENTUALLY the path comes to an end at a little area.


    Complete with phone box so we never need to do that again, thank Christ.

    Now, if we examine that pile of boulders, we can hear that there's an occasional 'thwack'. There's clearly someone behind there.


    There's a dwarf trapped behind the rocks, and he wants us to help him out. He's going to stick some dynamite in a hole for us to light.


    Like so.

    Unfortunately, when trying to solve this puzzle, the game crashed. I had just saved though (as I am wont to do every 5 minutes or so in adventure games) so I didn't lose too much progress, but I still felt it worthy of mention. I have to say, the game is nowhere near as unstable as I'd have thought it'd be. Still crashes every couple of hours, but I tend to use that as a sign that I should take a break and do something else for a bit. God bless you for doing your civic duty in getting kids to take breathers, AdventureSoft!



    Ooo, lens flare.

    Anyway. Utilizing adventure game logic, we use the lens that fell out of the telescope to light the dynamite, resulting in...



    Yeah, it's actually rather underwhelming, as I'm sure you guessed.

    Anyway, we've managed to free this guy:


    He's the king of the dwarves, and he's hungry, apparently. As thanks for helping him out, we can take some of his mining supplies - namely, the dynamite - and if we get him some fish, he'll give us HAMMOR, his mighty dwarven hammer.

    Hmm... HAMMOR, huh? Let's humour him. Let's go get him some fish.


    Well, there's some fish in this part of the map, but they're too fast to grab by hand. So.


    We climb up this convenient diving board thing (while noting the graphical glitch where the water meets the land)...


    ...light some dynamite (by combining it with the lens - thankfully the game doesn't show Simon doing this) and throwing it into the water.


    Unfortunately, the lit fuse is extinguished by the water. :(

    ...wait. What about the specimen jar?


    A-ha! Good thing we've already gotten the 50 groats needed to enter the gnome flinging contest, or we'd be stuffed.

    ...well, actually, you can use the metal detector to find a few groats here and there on the ground, but it's rather random where they are and they're always small amounts - a mere three each time, IIRC - so if you didn't catch enough butterflies, you're gonna be spending a lot of time running around looking for cash.

    So. Let's drop the now safely contained TNT into the water.


    The game then cuts to Simon, so we don't even get to see the explosion. Lazy motherfuckers.


    I so desperately want the A-Team to come crashing down from the sky in a tank to take this asshole out.

    Oh well, let's go pick up some barbecued fish.


    No shit, Sherlock.

    ...wait, did I say that already? Ah, whatever, back to the dwarf.


    And here's what we get in return. HAMMOR. Isn't it beautiful?

    ...no, it doesn't have any mystical properties. It's just a hammer. But it's a really cool looking hammer!

    The dwarf then returns to the mines to help his people. They're fighting a dragon, apparently. Remember that, it'll come into play some 15 hours later.

    OK. What next?


    Right, we need a gnome. So let's go and get one fro-

    ...oo, was that candy?


    It IS candy!

    ...oh wait, it's those horrible ones from Licorice Allsorts. Bleh. Well, let's hope Simon likes them more than I do.


    He does! Huzzah. (sorry about the lens flare - not a lot I can do about that)

    This actually starts a little chase sequence where you have to collect the next set of sweets. It's started by walking over that first set of sweets, and then another appears. You have to pick it up before time runs out, and then another one appears, and so on.

    This wouldn't be too bad, but the sweets are actually rather widely spaced out, and there's one that appears almost directly behind you ON THE OTHER SIDE OF A HILL SO THAT YOU CAN'T SEE IT. Took me a few goes to find it.

    Eventually they lead you to that purple spot on the ground you may remember from that video I posted.


    ...yeah, this one. And once you get that last sweet...


    ...this appears.


    Yep, it's the Gingerbread House. Makes sense that sweets would lead here. It's just a shame they were so awkwardly placed - it seemed to be solely to make use of the 3D engine rather than because it was a good idea. Oh well.

    As you might expect, we can indeed go inside, and we'll do that next time. So... many... images...
  • edited January 2013
    That lense flare is the best looking thing in the game so far.
  • edited January 2013
    Sadly, you're not wrong. And it's still irritating 'cause it half-blinds you.

  • edited January 2013
    Oh I thought Simon had found a temporal warp to another dimension or something.

    A dimension of pain...
  • edited January 2013
    That'd be the dimension I'M in. Oh so much pain...
  • edited January 2013
    Maybe you should take a Painkiller then.
    (I mean a good game to play inbetween)
  • edited January 2013
    A-ha, I see what you did there.

    (I'm playing Lego Pirates while waiting for the videos to convert. Does that count?)
  • edited January 2013
    Yes. It does.
  • edited January 2013
    Doing my part to bump to the next page, because as much as I really enjoyed reading through those last parts, I don't really need to watch them scroll past as the page loads.
  • edited January 2013
    Well, that should just about do it. Next post should be on a new page. :)

    EDIT: Oh, bumflaps. One of the videos I've recorded appears to be corrupted. How frustrating.


    I'll have to use screengrabs from someone else's video playthough when I get to that bit then. Dammit.
  • edited January 2013
    Doing my part to bump to the next page, because as much as I really enjoyed reading through those last parts, I don't really need to watch them scroll past as the page loads.

    Yeah, and I'm using Chrome, which for some reason refuses to show a scroll bar unless I start two-finger scrolling and then quickly jump over to the side of the page and grab the bar during the split second it appears. I normally don't mind except that in this case, the scroll bar is so much faster than two-finger scrolling.
  • edited January 2013
    ...and we're back.

    OK, so we were at the Gingerbread house. Let's head inside and see what atrocities the game will have us commit this time.



    Anybody home?


    Aw man, but stealing stuff's the whole point of adventure games! Weak!

    Wait a second... where IS the witch? Maybe we can reason with her? Do a trade perhaps?


    Oh. I can't help but feel a little let down by that.

    Never mind - let's go rummage around and see what's here. We might not be able to nick anything but that doesn't mean we can't still...


    ...hmm. It might limit our actions here somewhat, I guess. Oh well. Let's have a look round anyway.


    Ah. Now that book could be useful. Might it teach us an actual spell, so that Simon can live up to the name of Sorcerer?


    Is that IT? Lame...

    ...oh, wait - we needed magic beans, didn't we? Or, rather, that inbred yokel (don't look at me, that's what the game calls him) needed. OK, let's go for it then.

    The recipe says that we need kidney beans, water, sugar and vegetable extracts, and we mix those with the sweat of a frog.

    ...well, OK then.

    Now we have kidney beans, from that chilli. So we might as well throw that into the cauldron behind us.


    It's a little hard to see, but the small red things by Simon's fingers are the beans.

    As for the water, sugar and vegetable extracts... well, your average carbonated beverage has all of those, so let's see if that's what the game wants.



    (Actually, I had to go and get a new can, since, if you recall, we used the last one on the washers. I skipped showing me doing that - you're welcome)

    As for the frog sweat... we'll have to come back to that, I think. Let's get back to exploring the house.


    A spinning wheel, eh?

    Hang on - lemme try and remember my Disney films. Didn't Princess... was it Aurora? Whatever - didn't she prick her finger on this and fall asleep?

    That could be useful. Let's see if we can use it or somethin-


    Oh, Simon. You IDIOT.


    There, you see. You're dead now. You're dead because you're stupid. You're stupid, and you're dead.

    We then get a minute of nothing but a blank screen, punctuated only by a very foppish sounding man saying things like this:


    ...you can probably guess where this is going, can't you.




    Oh you big prude.

    (Fun fact - Simon kisses more men than women in this game)


    Oh, it's the running joke that never gets old. Mostly because it died on the second go, and you don't age when you're already dead.

    Anyway. This is Prince Valiant. He's a Hero, he does incredibly noble things, and is far superior to Simon in every single way because he doesn't do horrible, vicious things to people in order to save the day.

    So naturally we're going to do something horribly vicious to him.


    Like, say, give him the needle to repair his torn shirt.

    And the second he walks out of the door with it...



    Yeah, it's pretty much just a sound effect, which is rather hard to get across in a series of screenshots.

    Imagine the sound of a boulder rolling down a hill and then smacking into a pile of dirt. That's pretty much the sound we get. It's not particularly magical at all.

    Oh well. Let's go and see what's happened to him then.


    Yes, we've turned the greatest hero of the land into a fucking FROG.


    So we pick him up, as well as the needle he took with him. It's still got enough poison on it to send one more person to sleep, according to what Prince Valiant said before we conned him into becoming an amphibian.

    ...wait. Didn't the recipe for magic beans call for frog's sweat?

    Oh, I think the game's going to make me do another horrible thing, isn't it.


    Are... are you shitting me? You're going to make me put the froggified Prince Valiant into a fucking furnace?


    ...this... this isn't funny.

    This is SICK.


    ...I think this officially makes Simon the most despicable video game character I've ever controlled. AND I'VE PLAYED EVIL GENIUS.



    Look, let's just get him out and never speak of this again.


    I thoroughly despise you for this. Do us all a favour and shut yourself in the damn furnace.


    Let's get the sweat in the cauldron then.


    Oh for Christ's sake, you're not even being gentle, you tosser!

    At least I ASSUME you're not. It's hard to tell, what with your hands being massive boxes with lines painted on them. Jesus, these graphics are AWFUL.


    You 'sort of' feel responsible?


    ...I really can't take much more of this, guys. I am officially playing the most unlikeable, unpleasant cockbite in the history of video games.


    Right. Magic beans. OK. Let's go give 'em to the yokel. I hope they were bloody worth it.


    ...OK, that's faintly amusing.

    The cow then runs off to the building next to the Chamber of Rebirth (or, rather, next to the guy in the pool), so let's head over there.


    Remember how I skipped over a building? Yep, this is it. Impressive, isn't it.

    Daisy the cow's on the left there. We use the machine she's on, and we get some butter. Fantastic. Quite frankly I'm amazed nobody got hurt in the process.

    ...oh. I just had a horrible, horrible idea.


    Remember this guy? I mentioned he was tired and basically running on caffeine. Let's try pricking him with the needle and letting him doze off.


    JESUS CHRIST! That wasn't a prick, that was a full-on STAB ATTACK! Oh god, the sound effect...


    Oh god... oh no... tell me he's not-



    Did I... did I just kill him?


    Oh god, I did! Oh dear god! I didn't want this! I just meant to knock him out!


    I don't even want to take the bell now! I don't even want to play any more!
  • SydSyd
    edited January 2013
    Oh Simon, you heartless bastard. Murdering people with that ever-present smirk on your face.

    It's easy to see that they were attempting to write Simon as a likable jerk, but for some reason they completely left out the "likable" part, and that's pretty important. They could have just continued writing him with the personality he had in the first game, and it would have been fine. Sure, his original incarnation was a bit bland, but it was infinitely better than this.

    Also, love all those closeups that are shoving the horrible graphics into the player's face. Giant cube hands!
  • edited January 2013
    I thought I was going to have something funny to say about all of this, but I've got nothing.
  • edited January 2013
    Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. A funny Adventure game. For kids!
  • edited January 2013
    ...and we're back.

    I'm gonna try and limit the number of screenshots in each part to around 25. Just for the record.

    So after we caused the death of the Keeper of the Bell (the game never actually explicitly says he's dead, but let's be honest - he is) we promptly stole said bell. Well, it's not as if the dude's going to be needing it any more. Although since the point of the bell is to guide souls who have untimely died to the Sacred Tree, he really DOES need it now. Oh well.

    We now have almost everything we need for the gnome flinging contest... except an actual gnome to fling. So let's go get one.


    Now you may recall this place. It's where I was distracted by the sweets. This is the gnome village of, and I kid you not, Dungnomin' Village. Oh, my sides.

    Let's head in and see if we can't find us a willing gnome.


    Here's another thing you probably wouldn't figure out on your own. If you try and use the door while standing up, Simon won't do it, claiming it's too small. You have to crouch, THEN use the door.



    Your mere appearance in the village causes everyone to run away and hide. Honestly, I can't say I blame them. I'd hide too if I saw Simon coming my way, nightmarish hellspawn that he is.

    We do still need a gnome though, so let's see if we can tempt one out.


    Yes, I know this image is pointless, I just wanted to point out the graphical glitch. :)

    The only house we can reach is on the right, so let's head that way.


    Yeah, this is the one. Now apparently gnomes have a love of shiny things (although how you're supposed to figure this out I don't know, since the game gives you NO hints about this), so let's try using the washers here.


    Aha! (Look by Simon's left hand - these screenshots are a lot darker than I remember the game being)

    Now we can't just grab the guy, since he'll fight back, biting Simon's hand and escaping. All actions I approve of. But dammit, we need that gnome, so we have to do something typically awful to it. Like, say, trap it under the bell.


    Well, actually, that wasn't so bad.

    Of course, we still can't take the gnome, since he'll just fight back again. So what do we do now?


    Well of COURSE we whack the bell with HAMMOR, likely making the poor little guy deaf in the process. What else did you expect?


    This doesn't come across too well in screenshots, sorry. Mind you, it doesn't look particularly good in motion either, so it's a moot point either way.




    Again, it doesn't come across in screenshots, but the guy's VIBRATING. No wonder he feels weird.

    Well, we have all we need to take part in the gnome flinging contest. I hope you're ready for this.


    OK. So we head back to the contest and load up our... dynamite powered telescope tube. Yes, he was serious when he said that.

    First, we pop some dynamite into the telescope (the game doesn't show you doing this, it's all done on the inventory screen).

    Next we try and put the gnome into the telescope.



    Hmm. Maybe we can grease him up with someth-


    BUTTER. Naturally.


    And now he slides in nicely.

    Time to do something else horribly evil.


    ...can we go one puzzle that doesn't end with Simon killing something? Please?


    Anyway. We got the trophy.


    I'm not a particularly happy winner, either.
  • edited January 2013
    ...and we're back.

    Right. So now that we've got the trophy, we can give it to the man at the (former) bridge.


    Simon throws it across, and in return, the guy on the other side provides us with...

    Wait, what the hell is that?


    Oh, you prick.

    Well, it's all we've got, so we may as well give it a go.


    And so begins another 'action sequence'.

    The problem with these is that the game simply doesn't explain what you're supposed to do or how the controls work. So we've essentially got to walk across a tightrope to cross this ravine, but we don't know how.

    So chances are, this'll happen.


    ...couldn't happen to a nicer bloke.

    What you're actually supposed to do is press left and right alternately when you're on the rope to very slowly step across it. No need to worry about balancing or whatever, you just need to make Simon step forwards.

    Once you realize that, it becomes fairly simple, pressing left, waiting half a second, then pressing right, then half a second, left, half a second, right, etc.

    The problem then becomes the fact that this takes AGES. It's a good minute and a half of pressing left, then right, then left. It's very boring.


    Eventually I make it across, and will never have to do it again because by the next time I need to get across someone's rebuilt the bridge proper. Thank the maker.

    After heading down the path that follows, we get to...



    And just to kick you in the teeth, the first minute or so has no voices. Yes, it's the bug from earlier in the game, come back to haunt me. The problem is, the cutscene was pretty dull as is, and having no voices just makes it nigh intolerable.


    I'll summarise for you. Melissa Leg, as her name turns out to be, needs to find the Swampling, a character from a previous game who proved to be inexplicably popular, probably because he has a voice like someone doing a bad impression of Bluebottle from the Goon Show.

    In return for finding the Swampling, Melissa will provide Simon with fuel for his wardrobe, which is how he was transferred to this world in the first second place.

    Boom. Done. That took me all of 30 seconds. The game? 5 MINUTES.


    It's worth pointing out that Calypso, the wizard who wanted to see us, tells us absolutely nothing important. In fact, his only contribution is to give us a map to McSwampies, the fast food restaurant that Swampling had established prior to the second game.

    But enough of this boring conversation. We're in a new location! Let's explore.






    Yes, apparently. For ABSOLUTELY NO REASON, this room is located beyond a flight of stairs and a long twisty corridor. This is completely and utterly pointless. The ONLY reason I can think of for doing this is to disuade people from going down here, and that just makes no goddamn sense whatsoever!

    Anyway. After spending a minute and a half going through the padding corridor, we emerge into the main room of the pub.


    (The door we just came out of is on the very right edge of the picture there)

    The man at the bar is a vacuum cleaner salesman, and he gives us a (frankly pointless) leaflet about them if we talk to him. We can also remind him of the wife who's just left him, which will cause him to down the drink he's got and demand another from the barman, who pours him one from the pump.

    The barman, on the other hand, is useless at this point. He does tell us about a ghost that's just taken up residence in the place, but we can't do anything about that for another couple of chapters, so we'll leave it be.

    There's also a bottle of whiskey to the right of the barman. Remember that - we'll come back to it soon enough.

    Further to the right is another door. We'll go that way.


    It leads to another corridor. There's two doors here - we'll go in the one marked 'Beer Garden' (if you can make out the lo-res image, that is).


    There's some BBQ tongs next to, of all things, a BBQ. We'll take the tongs and make a mental note of the BBQ.

    That's it for the garden. Let's head back inside to the Games Room.


    Not a whole bunch in here we can interact with. There's a goblin playing darts we can bet with - it's not too hard to win, and if you do, you win 5 groats. Since I still have 300 by this point, I can safely skip this.

    Only other things of note are the fireplace, which means there's a chimney above us somewhere, and the window, which the goblin won't let us open. I sense a contrived puzzle here!

    So, with that said and done, let's go outside!


    And here's the map, which (again) only shows when you enter a phone box. Everything's still spaced out, but nowhere near as much as the fields, so I'm more willing to forgive it. It's also fairly linear, which helps immensely.

    Anyway. That black dot north-east of where we are now is...


    Let me explain what's going on here, since the visuals are so terrible it's hard to tell. This is a cart that's broken, so there's a man underneath trying to fix it.

    The cart's held up with a jack, and since Simon takes special notice of it, I guess we're going to have to do something awful again, aren't we?


    For added points, we later find out that as a result of this, the guy under there has broken his back.




    I'm actually willing him on.



    Whatever. Moving on.


    As I run around town, I inadvertantly run in front of a van. I wasn't even paying attention at the time, I genuinely did it by accident.


    ...so naturally the guy stops, we have a conversation and I walk away with a free piece of cheese as a result. How? Why? I DON'T KNOW.


    Next up is the warehouse section. Absolutely nothing interesting here - except this:


    Yes, that is a box full of copies of The Feeble Files. Simon's actually pretty scathing about it, which is extremely odd. Especially since whatever problems Feeble may have had, at least his game was better than this one.


    He takes a disc anyway. Hey, free's free, am I right?

    Up next, I aid and abet a known fugitive. Woo!
  • edited January 2013
    The Feeble Files has only one problem and that's the mini game section, which is Simon The Sorcerer related.
  • edited January 2013
    I dunno, I thought some of the puzzles were absurdly hard to figure out. And the voices were... eh.

    It's still miles better than this though. Light years.
  • edited January 2013
    Never played it in English. The German version is excellent.
  • edited January 2013
    I have no reason to doubt you.
  • edited January 2013
    This screenshot Let's Play is neat. I vaguely remember this Simon character (never got into his games) I think from an Ad on TV or a magazine back in the day. Nevertheless this game looks frighteningly bad but you're doing a good presentation of it that makes it easy for me to follow. :) Thanks for toiling through it!
  • edited January 2013
    ...and we're back.

    So I promised a criminal, and by golly if I don't deliver.

    But before we do, a quick shot of MucSwampys (yeah, I got the name of it wrong earlier. Sorry. Of course, the game mis-spells it too, so it's not entirely my fault):


    As you can see, it's locked. We're going to have to find some way of opening it so we can rummage around inside and find out where the Swampling has gotten to.

    ...OK, enough dilly-dallying. Let's go find that outlaw.


    Say hello to Goldilocks, everyone!


    Actually, yes. Yes she was.

    In the second game, she was a fugitive running from the law after being caught breaking and entering the Three Bears House and stealing from them.

    She's also got a Cockney accent - it wasn't that bad in the previous game, but here it's being done by someone who's only experience of a cockney is watching Mary Poppins.

    It's not very good, is what I'm saying.


    She wants us to help her escape. Apparently she can't read too good and got arrested for trying to steal from the Sheriff. Oops.

    Naturally, since Simon is the most deviously evil main character I've ever controlled in a game where I'm supposed to be the GOOD guy, we're going to let her out and abuse her lack of education to further our own ends.

    She tells us to go and get the key from the Sheriff's office, which is just beyond her.

    The question is - what do we get out of the deal? Well, she tells us that she's got half a treasure map, so we pull it out of her bra (fnar fnar) and reveal it's the same map we've got leading to MucSwampys. We automatically show her the complete one Calypso gave us:


    ...and she says that if we get her out, she'll split the treasure with us. Remember, she can't read, so she doesn't know it's a map to a fast food restaurant.

    So we're going to get her out of her predicament. Which leads to possibly the most infuriating section of the entire game.


    ...the Sheriff's office.

    The key to the stocks is in a cupboard behind the Sheriff, who's asleep at his desk.


    Like so. We reach that cupboard by walking around him.



    Needless to say, this is fucking impossible. The controls are so awkward, the camera angle so unintuitive and the hit detection so terrible that failure is all but guaranteed.

    After the first three or four attempts (which result in you being told to get out), the Sheriff tells you to lock yourself in the cell.

    This puzzle is so badly programmed and made me so infuriated with the game that I had to stop playing, go for a walk and then come back 10 minutes later after I'd calmed down.

    Don't believe me?

    Let me shows you.

    I do, eventually, somehow manage to luck out and make my way to the cupboard. Thank CHRIST.

    And then I stop.

    ...I'd like to do something a little different now. Rather than just describe the events that happen to you, I want you to understand the thought process that went through my mind at this point.

    Humour me.


    ...no, really. That's how I beat this puzzle. By anticipating that the game would be a dick to me.

    Lord help me, I'm starting to adapt to this game's sick, twisted logic. May heaven have mercy on my soul.


    ...anyway. We get the key. At this point, we can feel free to let the Sheriff catch us, since he just orders us straight back to the cell. We walk out, leave the building and return to Goldilocks.


    So we let the woman go and hand her the 'treasure map'.


    She runs off and tells us to meet her there in a few minutes.

    So I kill a few seconds by...



    Simon really is just plain scum, isn't he.

    Anyway. Onto MucSwampys!


    Well, at least she's gotten the place open. She leaves, pledging to take revenge on whoever gave her the map by eating their porridge.

    But oh, Simon can't just leave it at that, can he. Oh no.


    Oh fuck off, you condescending little prick.
  • edited January 2013
    So Simon is scum. Maybe he is the one that didn't buy a present in the Secret Santa event.
  • edited January 2013
    Ah, but that implies that we liked him enough to let him take part in the first place.
  • edited January 2013
    Why is War of the Worlds starring Tom Cruise on your wall.
  • SydSyd
    edited January 2013
    That part at about 1:30 in your video where you nearly made it but ended up nudging his chair must have been infuriating.

    At least you managed to dodge that trap with the cabinet door.
  • edited January 2013
    Why is War of the Worlds starring Tom Cruise on your wall.
    I am frankly amazed you could make that out.

    I've never actually seen it - the poster was free from the cinema when I went to see something else. I haven't touched the poster in years. It's a cool design though, so I don't see myself taking it down.
    Syd wrote: »
    That part at about 1:30 in your video where you nearly made it but ended up nudging his chair must have been infuriating.

    At least you managed to dodge that trap with the cabinet door.
    I screamed when I hit the chair. Like, a full on scream of anguish.

    Right at the end of the video you can see me save the game. That's where I stopped recording and went for a walk just to cool down. It's somewhat telling that the first attempt I made after that is the one where I finally made it.
  • edited January 2013
    I am frankly amazed you could make that out.

    I've never actually seen it - the poster was free from the cinema when I went to see something else. I haven't touched the poster in years. It's a cool design though, so I don't see myself taking it down.

    At some point you need to scream HELP ME TOM CRUISE! in your playthrough then.

    Also, MUG Root Beer tastes terrible. Barqs or A&W is where it's at.
  • edited January 2013
    Hey, look, next post is a new page.
  • edited January 2013
    Simon is my new fave video game character.
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