Let's Play... Simon the Sorcerer 3D



  • JenniferJennifer Moderator
    edited January 2013
    Current murder count: 4
    Oh Simon, you little rascal.

    There's probably more if you count the people who were seriously wounded and most likely died from their injuries later.
  • edited January 2013
    ...and we're back.

    When we last left our hero PROTAGONIST, he'd just killed Sir Squeaksalot. Nice one, Simon.

    Just beyond where Sir Squeaksalot was found, there's a large building of sorts.


    Nice and inconspicuous. Let's see what it is.


    Well, it's a bit hard to make out, so I'll explain. On top of the tower just to the left of Simon is a giant mirror that's reflecting what little sunlight penetrates the swamp into a greenhouse full of... medicinal herbs, shall we say.

    In short, it's a dope factory. Y'know - for kids!

    If we try to climb the tower, this happens:


    It's not as clear in this static image, but Simon's getting electrocuted. Not to death sadly, but it still brings a smile to my face.

    The old guy who owns the enclosure then appears to tell us off.


    Oh dear god, that may be the most horrific image I've seen all year.


    Anyway. We get to talking to the guy. Turns out he's a retired wizard who's spending his days drinking moonshine and getting high.

    Again - for kids!

    We ask for a sip of his drink (despite Simon supposedly being underage - why do I have to keep bringing that up?) and the guy says no.

    Unless... we get him three flowers growing in the swamp. Then he'll happily let us take a sip.

    To aid us in our quest, he gives us this:


    It's a book that lets us identify plants. I try it out on the (perfectly legal) garden he's got next to his house.



    Anyway. That electric tower gives me an idea. What if we...


    (Once again, note the rim of his hat)


    Again - looks better in motion. Barely.


    But hey! It worked! No beheadings today!

    Before we go give him back to the princess though, we're going to go nick some stuff from the old drunk's house. He can't stop us - he's too wasted to move, apparently.

    (Despite coming up to us after Simon shocked himself on the tower. Hmm.)


    The only things worth taking are a mortar & pestle and a stick. So we take both of them.

    OK, back to the princess!


    Did I mention she has an incredibly irritating faux-lisp?

    Because she does. And it's incredibly irritating.

    Now, uh, was there a reward, per chance?


    Y'know what? Forget the reward. Don't need one. We'll... we'll just be off...



    Now on this little island where the princess is (we'll ignore the question of how the hell she got onto this island in the first place), there's also a large-ish rock we can climb onto. Climbing onto ledges and such isn't generally something the game makes us do, so I didn't really think I could actually get up there at first, but I gave it a go anyway and surprise!


    And we're up. Now the main point of interest up here is a flower we can see through a hole in the top:


    If we use the book to identify it, Simon recognises it as one of the flowers the old man needed. Unfortunately we can't reach it through the hole.

    Now, if we head back down and check the side of the rock, we find this:


    If we use Sir Squeaksalot with this hole, he runs inside, grabs the flower and brings it back to us. Huzzah! Two more to go.

    We can actually place the little guy into that hole BEFORE we identify the flower, but he doesn't do anything but run around for a second.

    Anyway. With the flower in our possession, let's see if we can give Sir Squeaksalot back to the princess.


    Yes, you're seeing that right. They placed the camera in the same spot where the princess is standing.


    Anyway. As thanks, she gives us some earmuffs.

    ...well of COURSE she does. What else would she give us?

    Right. Next up, we're going to get some tar.


    This stuff.

    First we pick up a bunch of it in the sacred bell (does the word 'sacred' mean NOTHING to Simon?).

    Then, having first stuck the stick from the old man's house into the axe blade, we dip it into the tar to make sure it's stuck together and won't come apart if we use it.

    End result: we have a bunch of tar and an axe. Stellar.

    Now we're going to head across the bridge you see in that shot. Which leads us to:


    Me? I'm Chris Madisun. Why, what's it to you?



    Jesus game, you can't just spring something like that on us! Christ!


    OK. Summarizing again. This is a lawyer trying to get Swampy (also known in previous games as the Swampling) to leave. Swampy's on a small island we can't get to, and he's got his bomb ready to blow.

    While we talk to the lawyer, he keeps spraying himself with insect repellent, and during the conversation we also find out that he's deathly allergic to bee stings.

    So you know what that means!


    We vacuum up the bees from the beehive...


    ...and then sic 'em on the lawyer.

    Unfortunately, because of all the insect repellent, they don't actually sting him. Hmm. We'll have to come back to this later.

    In the meantime, we'll go around him to find a tree. Well, with out newly repaired axe, we can totally cut that down!


    Oh! It talks! Oops.

    Naturally, at discovering that the tree is a sentient being, Simon immediately stops and has a chat with it.

    This is a big mistake, as the tree is immensely annoying.

    Not even kidding. It's got a very fey voice, composes truly terrible poetry (though it's about on par with the rest of the writing in this game, to be honest) and he never shuts the hell up.

    The only thing it has going for it is an origin story of how it came to talk - it got bored of doing nothing but photosynthesising so it grew a complete vocal communication system over a few hundred years.

    Solely to deliver some absolutely awful poetry.

    Ugh. Yeah, it needs to die. Let's try cutting it down again.







    FUCK. YOU.


    Wait - we have some earmuffs, don't we?


    And that's the murder count up to five.

    Oh, and we have a path across to Swampy now. All it took was the killing of a semi-living creature. Whoop-de-doo.
  • SydSyd
    edited January 2013
    The Simon series has been a host to not-entirely-kid-friendly humor since the very beginning. I recall two separate marijuana-related jokes in the first Simon game, but they were at least decent enough to be worth a chuckle, and hearing them read out by Simon's original VA instead of that guy probably helped too.

    Also, this is related to back when Simon got certified as a wizard and gained "fashion magic", but I do think that Simon got to use magic once in the first game, albeit briefly and not terribly effectively, during the duel with the witch. (One pretty big annoyance with Simon 1 was that you spent a good 80% of the game working on becoming a wizard, which was obviously a rip-off of influenced by Guybrush's pirate trials, then you barely get to do any magic at all. There was basically no payoff to that incredibly long and overly complicated quest.)
  • edited January 2013
    So... he's totally fine killing a sentient being that he can't hear begging him not to?

    That... makes sense I guess. Please, Darth, kill this man. Put him out of our misery.
  • edited January 2013
    Two good points, Syd. Let me address them.
    Syd wrote: »
    The Simon series has been a host to not-entirely-kid-friendly humor since the very beginning. I recall two separate marijuana-related jokes in the first Simon game, but they were at least decent enough to be worth a chuckle, and hearing them read out by Simon's original VA instead of that guy probably helped too.
    I don't recall the original games too well (it's been years since I played them) but a quick glance at walkthroughs for the pair reminds me that Simon's only gotten less and less kid-friendly as the series has gone on, and it wasn't particularly great for kids in the first place. Even so, these games didn't get any rated M or anything, so...
    Syd wrote: »
    Also, this is related to back when Simon got certified as a wizard and gained "fashion magic", but I do think that Simon got to use magic once in the first game, albeit briefly and not terribly effectively, during the duel with the witch. (One pretty big annoyance with Simon 1 was that you spent a good 80% of the game working on becoming a wizard, which was obviously a rip-off of influenced by Guybrush's pirate trials, then you barely get to do any magic at all. There was basically no payoff to that incredibly long and overly complicated quest.)
    Oh yeah, I remember that. Vaguely.

    The problem is, Simon's supposed to be a sorcerer (it's kind of implied by the title) but he hardly ever does any magic over the first three games. The witch duel in the first game is one, and there's an appallingly awful puzzle in the second game where Simon has to, completely unprompted by the player, turn a pair of dogs into 'hush puppies' in order to sneak past some guards. The dude hardly does anything befitting the name 'sorcerer'.
  • SydSyd
    edited January 2013
    I played through the first Simon game a few months ago, so most of it is still pretty fresh in my mind. I played through about half of Simon 2 afterwards until I got tired of Simon's character and dropped it to go play something with a less irritating protagonist.

    And yeah, I think that as the writing quality had degraded over the series, they went for more suggestive humor in an increasingly failed attempt to be funny.
  • edited January 2013
    ...and we're back.

    OK, so having walked across the now deceased carcass of a living tree, we can now finally talk to Swampy.


    Ah. He doesn't recognise us. Fantastic.

    ...well, I suppose we are wearing different coloured robes...

    (No, changing them back to red doesn't change anything)

    Swampy claims that he doesn't believe Simon's actually Simon because, and I quote, Simon's "always being nasty to me".

    Case in point:


    Yeah. Simon's never been particularly nice to Swampy, but being reminded of what a dick he was to the guy in the second game just emphasizes how badly written he's become.

    Anyway. Swampy won't believe Simon's on his side unless he becomes an honorary Swampling. The first step to doing so is to consume an entire bowl of Swamp Stew, and if you've played the previous games, you know exactly where this is headed.


    Yes, it's something Simon doesn't want to do. Boo freakin' hoo. Rather wonderfully though, the game makes him do it anyway.


    Does it work? Did it go down?


    Nope - it made Simon vomit. Thankfully the game cuts away so we don't actually see him being sick, but we do get to hear it.

    Oddly enough, the sounds of Simon being violently ill are somewhat relaxing.

    Anyway. If we want to consume this Swamp Stew, we need to find some way for Simon to become oblivious to its taste. Getting roaring drunk seems like a good idea - so we need to find those other flowers for the old guy!


    Not far from the tar is this giant plant. If the giant 'DANGER' sign didn't give it away, it's a tad dangerous. Here's what happens if you walk close to it:


    Yep - Simon gets eaten alive.


    After doing this a few dozen times, I eventually tire of it. We'll have to come back later to get past this thing.

    So let's hop back on the croc and find something else to interact with.


    Behind this waterfall was one of the plants we needed, just resting on that little island.

    I, uh... forgot to record me getting it.

    But it was there! Honest!

    Well, we've only one plant left to get, and it's probably beyond that plant. Let's head past the waterfall and see what's there.

    On the left is a bird table.
    On the right is a giant boulder.
    We can do something with one of these.
    Guess which one.


    Remember the sesame seeds from the burger we made the fat wizard back in MucSwampys?


    Ah, whatever. Here's where we put them.


    And a bird lands to eat them. Simon can't grab it though, since it flies away too quickly.

    But wait! Remember that we filled the sacred bell full of tar?


    Oh, we are cruel, cruel people.


    Yep, it's stuck.

    Not so stuck that we can't pick it up though. Oh no.


    So we're now carrying a cat (from the back alley), a frog (Prince Valient) AND a bird. At the same time.

    Bear in mind we could, theoretically, also be carrying a hamster as well.



    Anyway. Let's go feed that poor defenceless bird to that plant.


    ...christ. What's the kill count now? Six?

    But hey, while the plant's distracted, let's head around the back of it.


    Very, very slowly. There's 45 seconds of my life I'm never getting back.

    Anyway. This path leads to:


    That's the last plant we need. Huzzah. So we grab it and head out the convenient other path leading from this little room.


    ...that's the entrance to the plant. The 'DANGER' sign is just off to the right of this shot.




    Gah! Screw it! We've got the plants. Let's go give 'em to that goddamn old guy.


    Dude. It can't be THAT bad.


    Oh. Apparently it is, since it's made Simon invisible.

    OK, it's actually meant to be a first-person perspective, but it's blatantly obvious that all they've done is made the model for Simon invisible.

    Whatever the case, we make our way back over to Swampy...


    Oh, only good things will come of this.






    ...yeah, I think we'll leave these two alone.

  • edited January 2013

    ...yeah, I think we'll leave these two alone.


    Swamp rape scene? I hope not.
  • edited January 2013
    No, Simon's eyes are still open, so he can't be unconscious. He must be...
  • edited January 2013
    No, Simon's eyes are still open, so he can't be unconscious. He must be...
    Sadly not.


    Can't say I blame Simon here - I'd probably have the same reaction if that... thing tried to use CPR on me.

    But hey, apparently passing out doesn't count against us, since Swampy counts us as having passed the first requirement to being an honorary Swampling.

    What's the second requirement?


    Memorise the Swampy Song.


    ...which Simon memorises within seconds, despite (supposedly) being hung over.


    Now we can ask Swampy to come back to Poliganis and meet with Melissa McMassiveMelons.



    He won't go anywhere unless we can get the lawyer to sign a (poorly spelled) contract Swampy's written for him pledging to leave the swamp alone. Great.

    (Simon also has a rant here about identical allotments being built everywhere, but it's poorly written and [as usual] badly delivered, so I'll spare you)

    There's nowhere else we can really go besides that big boulder where eagle eyed viewers may have spotted a giant 'KEEP OWT' sign.


    Like so. Signs like that are written by Swampy (due to his poor literacy skills), so it stands to reason that the boulder leads to Swampy's lair.

    We can't move it, but we can try to sing the Swampy Song...


    *sigh again*

    Well, because I'm somewhat competent, I guide Simon through the multiple choices and sing the correct song.



    There's not a whole lot inside, to be honest.

    ...well, I SAY that. What I mean is that there's not a whole lot we can interact with.


    If we use the blueprints at the back (the only thing we can actually do anything with), Simon finds a turkey baster and a pair of oven gloves.

    Which is a bit random, but there you go.

    Anyway. We take both, and I use the turkey baster to pick up some honey from the fallen beehive (and pick up the bees in the vacuum cleaner again).


    Like so.

    We then spray the honey onto the lawyer...


    Uh... what's going on with his hands? Is there... Are there two models in the same spot?

    Well, I would expect nothing less.

    Anyway. NOW if we spray him with the bees...


    ...they SHOULD actually sting him this time.





    ...well, great. Now I feel like a total asshole. Are we 100% sure Simon's supposed to be a hero? I've long since stopped thinking he is, but this is just horrible.


    Oh, and now we're blackmailing him into signing that contract before we help him.

    I hate this game. I really do.

    Right. Now, do you remember when we first got the book about plants? I told you to remember something.


    Yeah. That.

    Well, we could probably do with some of that now, couldn't we?

    Now since it only grow in direct sunlight, we'll need to move the mirror at the top of the electricuted tower onto that particular patch.

    But we can't get up on top of that tower, since it's electricuted and all.


    Oh right. The oven gloves. Yeah, that'll work.


    Not that it pleases the old guy. Eh, whatever. Screw him.


    So we move the beam over to the flower patch and...



    We pick that up, mash it with the mortar & pestle and then feed it to the lawyer using the turkey baster.


    What was your kill count so far? Six? Yeah, not buying that for a second, Simon, you comtemptible little prick.


    Oh well, let's hope it works.


    It does. So not quite murder, but it's attempted murder at the very least.

    Oh - and blackmail. There's another felony for the rap sheet.

    So with the contract signed (and the lawyer running off and swearing vengeance I dearly hope he actually gets at some point), we can take it over to Swampy.


    Don't... don't do that again.


    Oh, hello. What are you doing here? We were about to bring Swampy over to you.

    (Also, Simon is expressing disgust over Swampy hugging him. It's rare for me to sympathise with the evil little bit of dog dirt, but here's one of those times)


    Uh, what?





    Yes, Melissa LargeLoveLumps has, in fact, been Runt all this time.

    This... this is actually a really good plot twist.

    I know, I'm as shocked as you are!

    It also explains how 'Melissa' got Simon's body out of Sordid's lair. It was all part of a plot to have Simon track down Swampy for the bad guys.

    Quite why they NEED Swampy isn't explained, but they have him now, and it's all thanks to us.



    Yeah, focus on THAT, why don't you. Because that's clearly the important part of this whole mess.

    So Runt teleports Swampy away and, because Simon's completely and utterly useless, uses his magic to drop the kid on top of the plunger for the bomb.


    The resulting explosion is so powerful it knocks the new colour out of Simon's robe.

  • edited January 2013
    Dear god...how does one get from this to Simon the Sorcerer 5, which is actually a half-way decent adventure game with a funny plot?
  • JenniferJennifer Moderator
    edited January 2013
    Dear god...how does one get from this to Simon the Sorcerer 5, which is actually a half-way decent adventure game with a funny plot?

    Simon 4 and 5 were made by a different developer.
  • edited January 2013
    Really? Never got round to playing the new ones. Surprised to hear that they're actually half-decent.
  • edited January 2013
    As am I. I really do miss the pixel art of the originals, though. They were pretty detailed, especially in animation. Are Simon 4 and 5 in English?
  • edited January 2013
    Yeah, they got translated.
  • SydSyd
    edited January 2013
    Simon mysteriously became an American in Simon 4 and 5, but I have heard that they're an improvement over Simon 3.

    Though just about anything is an improvement over Simon 3, except for maybe Limbo of the Lost. Now that's an abomination of a game.
  • edited January 2013
    ...and we're back.

    When we last left our main character, he was being blown into the next chapter.



    I've just realized that I haven't been showing you the loading screens, so there you go.

    The levels barely take any time to load at all, but at every single one of these loading screens, we're forced to sit and wait until a little jingle finishes playing. The jingle lasts 7 seconds. And it SUCKS.

    Anyway, as you can tell, we're now on chapter four. Chapter One was getting out of the pyramid and completing the joining process, Chapter Two was getting into Poliganis, and Chapter Three was finding Swampy.

    ...sorry. Got distracted. Where were we?

    Right. The explosion manages to propel Simon ALL THE WAY back to the room where Calypso is.


    But naturally, he's fine.

    Actually, make note of the fact that he crashed through a skylight in the roof of this room. The game doesn't really highlight this, but it'll come into play later.


    I'm going to skip over an INCREDIBLY long conversation here and summarise it for you. AGAIN.

    Seriously, this cutscene is like 6 minutes long.

    So it turns out that Calypso has a book of prophecies (by Nostramades - GEDDIT) and already knew Melissa was actually Runt. Calypso completely and utterly fails to explain why he didn't tell Simon sooner, pissing both him and me off.

    Calypso has also learned that Sordid (remember him? The big bad guy from the beginning of the game?) is trying to oepn a doorway to the Nexus, the control center of the Universe.

    According to the prophecies, he'll need some Magical Boots. The book has a picture of it, which he shows Simon.


    It's a CD. Simon explains what they are to Calypso, and says that they're running on one right now, which, given I'm running the GOG version that doesn't USE CDs, renders the line hilarious in hindsight.

    Calypso then explains that the 'seedy' we need will be in a Dragon's Horde. He sends us after the dragon Sodinhell (Oh, my sides).

    Simon comments that he remembers the dwarf who gave us HAMMOR saying something about a dragon they were fighting. It could well be the same one.

    And with all that explained, we FINALLY get control of Simon back.

    And the first thing I do?


    Back in Black. Obviously.

    At this point in the game, no doubt due to the chapter change, a few things have changed around the world. After grabbing an empty pint glass from the bar, we'll go to the closest one - it's in the Games Room.


    Yep, it's a pool table. That we can't use, because there's a gold coin jammed in the coin slot.

    We FINALLY make use of the BBQ tongs (of all things) to get it out of the slot and into our inventory, and then we can try and use the table.


    If we take a look...



    It turns out to be a rat.


    Hey, remember that cat from the back alley?


    Yeah, that one. In it goes!


    And that's the rat taken care of. Now, let's get that cat out of there...



    Well we can't do anything else here, so we'll have to come back later.

    The other changes to the world all take place in the large open fields, so we'll head over there.

    Now, you remember that video I made where I ran all over the place for 8 minutes?

    In particular, do you remember the bit where I ran into a dead end?

    Well, it's dead no more!


    Yep, here's where the dwarves have set up camp for their attack on the dragon.

    And their great plan of attack?


    Get drunk...

    (notice that horrendous texture underneath the fire!)


    ...hop into a catapult...


    ...and fling themselves at the dragon.

    Which promptly eats them.


    There's not a lot we can do here at the moment - but we'll be back. We'll need to take out the dragon so the Rainbird won't get scared away when we try to land at its lair.

    One of the other changes in the world is back with the treasure hunter we stole the metal detector from.


    He's gone and trained himself a mole, who's been bringing him food while he's been trapped inside the hole he could EASILY CLIMB OUT OF.

    Unfortunately, he then tried to train it to find gold, and he hasn't seen it since.

    So guess what we're going to do.


    Yep. We're gonna marry steal the mole.


    Unfortunately I can't show you Simon actually grabbing the mole, because both times I did this (the game crashed shortly after I did this the first time, so I had to load a savegame) the game seemed to skip over the grabbing animation, going right to the 'tucking thing into satchel' animation.

    Glitch? Lazy animators? Who can say?

    Anyway. Near to where the Butterfly catcher was are some sleeping flowers.


    Yep, these are the ones. And when I said they were sleeping flowers, I meant it. THEY SNORE.

    We couldn't do anything with them before, but hey, we've got that book for identifying plants now! Let's see what they are.


    That'll be useful. We'll have some of that.


    And we'll immediately put it into the dwarves drink. Let's see what happens.


    Hey - if it's not voiced by Sean Connery, it's going DOWN.

    Anyway, the path's now clear for us to take the Rainbird to the Dragon's Lai- OH I SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE.

    Before we go though, we're gonna grab some of their EXTREMELY strong alcohol in the glass we took from the pub. Why? I dunno. I'm sure it'll come in handy though.

    So it's off to the Dragon's L...

    ...it's off to the LAIR THAT BELONGS TO THE DRAGON. >:-(


    Wow. We'll never find the CD in all THAT.

    ...wait. We still have that fourth-wall-braking copy of the Feeble Files, don't we?


    And by way of rubbing a CD on its nose, our mole is now trained to find them. So let's throw him into the pile and see what he turns up.


    Is it technically possible to dig through gold? I'd have thought no, but...


    ...apparently I'd be wrong.

    So the CD's in a locked chest, apparently. And of course we don't have the key.

    What we DO have is a pint of dwarven ale.


    Anyone else getting Monkey Island flashbacks?


    OK then. Let's see what's inside!


    It's the CD! And it's encased in a block of glass. Bugger.

    We can't just smash it on the ground or whatever, oh no. That might damage it.

    Hmm. There's a gong in here, isn't there? Maybe if we ring that with HAMMOR, it'll shatter the glass (which'd probably damage the CD as well, but SHUT UP, it's adventure game logic!).


    Nope. Just broke the gong. Bugger.


    Wait, we still have that Sacred Bell, don't we? Maybe we could try that instead?


    Well it FITS, but does it do the job?


    Yes. Yes it does. Huzzah.

    And that, ladies and gentlemen, is all we need to do for Chapter 4. I know, I was surprised too, but nope. That's it.

    Well, we could do other stuff as well, but it makes more sense for us to do them in the next chapter (which begins as soon as we take the CD back to Calypso), so we'll do it then.
  • edited January 2013
    chapter 4: the intermission.
  • edited January 2013
    Or he could have just waited for AOL to mail him one.

    Yes, I know that's a useless comment, but it does get us to the next page!
  • edited January 2013
    Mountains can't be friends.
  • edited January 2013
    I've been sick all week, and there's been nothing like this thread to make me question whether or not my illness has made me delirious.

    Because really, a game this bad has to be a hallucination, right?
  • edited January 2013
    I'd put that down more to you playing Sonic Colours. Now THAT game's bad for your health.
  • edited January 2013
    I actually haven't played Sonic Colors. And I have to skip it and 2006 because I don't own them. They're just sitting in the list where I would play them if I did own them.
  • edited January 2013
    Yeah, I meant HEROES. Oops.
  • edited January 2013
    Meh, it's not so bad until you slowly drive yourself insane trying to get more than two Chaos Emeralds. Certainly, it's not as bad as this Simon game. Of course, that does diminish the entertainment value of watching someone suffer through it.
  • edited January 2013
    Yeah, from what I've seen every version of Colors is GOOD. I liked Heroes when I was a kid, but seeing Guru play it, it's really bland and kind of ugly.
  • edited January 2013
    Let's... let's not talk about it. If we do, we'll have to discuss what comes after Sonic Heroes.

    And you don't want that. Oh god. YOU DON'T WANT THAT.

    Onwards to Chapter 5!


    So we take the CD back to Calypso and he tells us what we need to do next, according to the prophesies of Nostramades.


    Here's the prophecy in full:

    The King of Fools destroys them,
    Lady of Steel, Hero of Light,
    King of East and a Prince Brave.
    All must journey forth to prevent a great change.

    The King of Fools is clearly Simon :), but who are the other four?

    Well, Calypso whips out his magical scrying ball and shows us where to find them.

    (Calypso flat-out says he FORGOT to use it when we were searching for Swampy. GRR.)


    The Lady of Steel is clearly Melissa Leg. The REAL one this time.


    The Hero of Light is called Coneman the Barabrain (yeah, I know), and he's the guy who we crushed under a cart.


    The King of the East is... well, it's the guy we killed by eating the Sacred Peach early.


    And finally, the Prince Brave is Prince Charming, whom we got turned into a frog.

    So, basically, because Simon's been such a massive asswipe, he's gone and made his own life six times more complicated.




    So we've got to find the real Melissa Leg, get Coneman out from under the cart (and repair his broken back!), resurrect the Prince of the East and find some way of turning Prince Charming back into a human.





    ...excuse me while I go and scream at the top of my lungs while standing in the rain.


    ...ah, that's better.

    Now. We need to ask Calypso about changing the Prince back and how to resurrect the King of the East.

    We'll ask about the Prince first.


    He says that Princess Austin is in town - they're holding a tournament to find her a suitable... well, suitor.

    He then explains that he has a friend who can sneak us into the tournament. We'll find him at the side entrance at night.

    Right. That's that then. As for the King of the East?


    OK. He gives us the soul jar he used in the opening cutscene and explains that in order to capture his soul, something valuable must be placed inside the jar to lure him in.

    We'll then need the body, and once we have the two, then Calypso will perform the joining ritual.

    OK then! We have ourselves a plan (and the King of the East gets an actual name - Jar Nin).

    We'll go grab Jar's body first, since I know where THAT is.


    Uh... where'd it go?

    No, really. Where'd it go? No-one ever mentions it.

    Well, whoever moved him, they've left behind a rather expensive looking necklace. So let's try and grab that.


    Nope, stuck. Must be why it got left behind.


    What in the seven layers of hell? Is that tree talking to me?



    It's worth pointing out that this particular woodworm talks like a terrorist. Infidel this and filthy son of a jackal that. It's rather reminiscent of stuff Osama bin Laden would say, and every bit as uncomfortable.

    Long story short - if we get them some weapons, they'll eat the tree so we can get at the necklace.

    Now, before we go ahead and track down the others, I just want to head back to Calypso quickly. See, I forgot to ask him what we're going to do once we've gotten the four warriors of light together.



    Is is worth asking what's still legible?


    Oh PLEASE be Simon oh please oh please oh please.

    Now, I don't normally feature dialogue scenes taken straight from the game, but when we get conversations like this...

    ...well, you'll see where I'm going with this.


    ...this is absolutely HILARIOUS in hindsight.

    In case you don't know, this game completely ruined AdventureSoft, and it's really no surprise as to why. Hell, this thread's 8 pages long - take your pick.

    But that wasn't the end for Simon, oh no. He had two more games - Chaos Happens and Who'd Even Want Contact?!, both made by Silver Style Entertainment.

    A German developer.


    I'm not even kidding.

    The series was fairly popular in Germany, so it's no surprise that a German developer would want to make more games in the series.

    From what I can tell, they're actually not that bad either. Certainly better than this piece of crap.

    So yeah, that's why that was so hilarious. AdventureSoft actually managed to unintentionally predict that the series would be continued in Germany.


    Yes you do Simon. Yes you do.
  • SydSyd
    edited January 2013
    That bit about Germany is hilarious. It's a bit sad when the funniest part of this game was a completely unintentional but eerily accurate prediction of the series' future.

    Edit: Now that I think about it, AdventureSoft might have already been pretty sure that Simon 3D was going to destroy them about partway through development, and they put that line in because that was the likely fate of the series after that.
  • edited January 2013
    Well technically Simon 3D was made by Headfirst Productions (formed by the Woodroffes) as Adventure Soft just became a publisher. It was their (Headfirst) 2nd game that bankrupted them, Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth.
  • edited January 2013
    Well technically Simon 3D was made by Headfirst Productions (formed by the Woodroffes) as Adventure Soft just became a publisher. It was their (Headfirst) 2nd game that bankrupted them, Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth.

    Good lord. That was such a bloody masterpiece compared to this tripe!
  • edited March 2013

    Sorry this took so long to get back to. I got distracted by... Well, let's just say that if I'm working on something big and then I get distracted, it takes me a while to get back to it.

    But I'm here now, so let's get on with it!

    So... where were we?


    Oh, right. Coneman.


    Using the jack with the cart should be enough to get him out.


    Ah. Yes. Well, that may count against us.


    Oh, yeah. That too. Heh.

    So we're gonna have to find some way of fixing his back, and then convince him to not rip us limb from limb (heh - you don't know how funny that comment is yet).

    Basically, we'll have to leave him for now.


    So while running around town, I notice something odd about the church. If you look above the door in the texture that's supposed to represent a hedge, you can see something on the roof of the church.

    Let's go see what that is.

    But how to get up there?


    A rope. Right. So, do we climb it?


    Actually, no.

    It's a little hard to explain using pictures, but I'll do my best.

    Basically, we pull the rope down and when it goes back up, we grab on to it and let it carry us up. As you can imagine, this doesn't get us all the way up on the first try, so when we land we have to let the rope go further down before we grab on to it and let it carry us up again.

    We need to repeat this about 4 times before we have enough height to reach the actual roof.

    And does the game bother to tell us how to do this?


    This took me about 5 minutes of experimentation before I managed to figure out what I was supposed to be doing.

    God this game sucks. It sucks so bad.

    So anyway. The roof.


    Oh hai Goldilocks!

    [/Tommy Wiseau Impression]

    Another summary. She's basically trying to steal the lead from the Church roof, but she didn't realize it'd be so heavy, so she offers to split the cash she gets for it with Simon if we figure out a way of getting it down from the roof and to the inn.

    This is another puzzle we'll have to come back to later, so we'll do just that.

    OK. So we can't do anything with Coneman yet, and we can't do anything with Jar Nin yet. Since we don't know where Melissa Leg is, we'll have to focus on Prince Charming (or whatever his name is).

    Now since he's a frog, he probably needs to kiss a princess to be changed back. And Calypso mentioned meeting someone to get into a tournament she's at, so let's go see him.


    This is back where we got the Varnish for our Conker, if you recall.


    Oh, those graphics. I'd forgotten how atrocious they were. This guy in particular - it looks like he's been stretched on a rack for about 3 years.

    Anyway. This guy will get us in, but only if we help him with the fireworks display that'll start the tournament. We have to come back at night to do so.


    Yes, I remembered to take a picture with the right outfit this time. Go me.

    (And I know I keep going on about this, but notice the rim of his hat? It should be white, but it switches to yellow every time a cutscene takes place where Simon actually performs an action. I honestly don't know why, but it's incredibly distracting)


    And here we are.

    OK. So you know how Guitar Hero works, with the colors scrolling down the screen and you having to press the right button when it reaches the bottom?

    This works very much like that. Only it's not scrolling from top to bottom, it's scrolling from left to right.



    This is all we get. And I know this seems like a perfectly fine explanation, but bear in mind we only get told this once, and when the actual minigame starts...


    ...this is what we get. So... what do I press for yellow?

    Since this is a bunch of screenshots, you can look at the last-but-one image, read that Left is for a Roman Candle and then look back at the other image and see that Candle is Yellow, and so deduce that I have to press Left when the Yellow icon hits the green area.

    Now, what's Red? And what's Purple?

    Can you deduce all those in about 5 seconds? Can you remember them under pressure? Hell, can you remember what key Use Item was?

    Unless you're some sort of genius, you won't remember any of it. And that's why this minigame is so awful.

    We're not given any time to practice, which would have been immensely helpful, we're just thrown into this and expected to do well.

    Which, naturally, I don't. I completely balls it up, to be perfectly frank.

    Thankfully you're given an infinite number of tries to get this right, but here's the thing - you're never retold what the controls are. So as time goes on, you won't even remember that.

    Combined with the panic that you'll no doubt be facing each time you try this, you're not going to get better. If anything, you're going to get worse.

    Eventually I had to pause the game, minimise it, consult a walkthough to find out which buttons do what, write them down on a bit of paper and then try again, AND I STILL DIDN'T GET IT RIGHT UNTIL THREE TRIES LATER.

    This is far from the worst minigame we'll have to go through in this game. In fact it's actually not all that bad. But because it's so poorly explained, it's the one I'll despise the most whenever I think back on this game.


    So eventually, after 20 MINUTES OF TRYING (no, I'm not exaggerating, I literally spent 20 minutes on this one stupid minigame), I got it right. Hoo-fucking-ray.


    And as a result, the tournament (or, let's call it what it is, the fair) will be open in the morning.

    But we'll have to tackle that next time, because I need another break. Ugh.
  • edited March 2013
    "Is that a sign the tournament is starting?"

    "Can't be. The fireworks are in the wrong sequence."

    "Oh, just someone playing around with expensive pyrotechnics for no reason, then. Never mind."
  • edited March 2013
    I believe I failed that challenge around 15-20 times before I got it right. Decent fireworks are NOT cheap, so think of how expensive my fuck-ups must have been. Well, that's what you get for not explaining shit correctly!

    Right. Let's check out that fair then, shall we?


    In the morning, obviously.

    Now, if we head through what I like the call the 'Magic Square' (since it's got all the magic-related buildings in it), we should find...


    A gate. Now up until now, this has been locked, but since the tournament's started, it's been unlocked.

    Not that it's particularly easy to tell, since it looks exactly the same and is therefore easily overlooked.


    Anyway, we use it and a new map loads. And in this new map...



    But before we can go and actually explore the fair, these two show up.


    It's a pair of demons who run the fair. They've encountered Simon in a previous game where he screwed them over or something (I'm guessing it was the second game, since Simon wasn't a complete douche in the first one).

    They CLAIM that they've given up on revenge and are just here to entertain people. Naturally they almost immediately confirm that that's a complete and utter lie, and all the attractions are rigged in their favour.

    ...so how's that different from any other funfair?

    There's a nice dig at Hollyoaks (a truly terrible British soap aimed at teenagers), but otherwise this conversation serves absolutely no further point.



    The whole fair's basically set up on a circle, with this in the middle. Might as well get this one out of the way first.

    It's VERY hard to see due to the poor texture resolution, but the text on the side of the caravan (that's obscured by the Lens Flare in this shot, sorry) reads 'MADAM SPANGLES ACTUPUNCTURE'.

    Acupuncture could come in handy for Coneman, so we'll check it out.


    If you guessed the joke is that these guys run everything to a very questionable degree, you win a no-prize.

    Anyway. They don't make house street calls, but they CAN deal with Coneman's back problem. So we'll have to find a way to make use of that later.



    A shooting gallery. SWEET.


    Aw. No guns for me. :(

    Either way, I ace this on the first go, because I'm just that awesome. And my prize?



    It's not a very nice teddy bear either.



    Anyway, as soon as I finish this game, I immediately bump into this annoying little brat who's wandering around the place.


    Blah blah blah, he wants a gobstopper. A RED gobstopper. Fine, whatever, NEXT!


    An arcade machine. I wonder if they'll actually let me play thi-


    ...huh. OK game, whaddya got?


    Space Invaders.

    It's a Space Invaders clone.

    And it's actually not bad.


    I honestly do not know what to say.

    Anyway. At one point for each ship I destroy, I manages to make it to 112 before dying, which is more than enough to get... something.

    To find out what it is, I had to open the inventory screen and see what I'd just picked up.


    Sunglasses. Of course.



    Ah, the Wonder Wheel.

    Unfortunately, the game is currently rigged so that you always lose, so let's leave it for now and move on.

    If we head down the path next to the Wonder Wheel, we can see this:


    Naturally, this leads to a bit of a tunnel maze. Not a very complicated one mind, but remember that the clipping sucks and... yeah.

    Anyway. Said maze leads us to...


    ...behind the Wonder Wheel.

    See that giant magnet? That's what's causing us to lose whenever we play it.


    Well, it WAS, anyway.

    So let's go and give the Wonder Wheel a go and see what happens now.



    And as you might have guessed, our prize is the pea shooter that Simon was admiring earlier. Awesome.

    ...we'll continue the fun next time. Come back for more fun at the fair!
  • SydSyd
    edited March 2013
    Nice to see you updating this LP again.

    Those two demons first show up near the end of the first game. Simon actually helps them out in the first game, since they want to go back to hell for some reason or another, but due to demon rules or something like that, they can't tell Simon their real names, which is required in the whole sending-them-back-to-hell ritual thingy. After utilizing the old tried and true method of using items on other items, Simon eventually discovers their real names and sends them on their way.

    If Simon did something that they now hate him for, it must be from the second game, and that doesn't surprise me since Simon is a complete douche to everyone he encounters in Simon 2.
  • edited March 2013
    Ah. Thanks for that.
  • edited March 2013
    ...and we're back.

    OK, we're heading back to that open area with the hedge tunnel maze.


    See, in this area, there's a snake statue we can use (it's on the right of this image). And when we do...


    ...this appears. Right smack in the middle of this area.

    It's actually done via a cluncky fade-to-black-then-fade-back-to-new-map effect.

    Whatever. Let's head inside and see what's what.


    Oh, and now they're Voodoo Priests. Yeah. Of course. Makes perfect sense.

    In short, they can make a voodoo doll of someone, but they need the doll and some children's teeth.

    Children's teeth. Hmm. I sense some child abuse just around the corner.


    Actually, THIS is what's just around the corner (d'ya see what I did there? God I'm witty).

    On the left, a cotton candy stall GIMME GIMME GIMME!


    Yays! OM-NOM-NOM!


    ...wait, what? Why won't you eat it now? IT'S CANDY FLOSS! Y'know, ON-NOM-NOM?


    Oh, it's rock hard.


    ...I'd still eat it.

    Anyway. Inside that giant tent:


    An actual flea circus! With real fleas for once!

    ...let's nick 'em.


    So now we have a flea-infested teddy bear and a very unhappy demon.


    Well, he WOULD be unhappy if he couldn't just turn on the machine that moves the trapeze stuff.


    NOW it's a real carnival!

    Anyway. We're going to take a quick break from the carnival so we can return to the pub.

    Remember that pool table we shoved a cat into?


    Yep, we're giving the cat fleas. Let's see what that does.


    Well, it's not the most evil thing we've done in this game, but still pretty douchey.

    But with the cat gone, we can reach inside the table and fetch out two snooker balls - one red, one yellow.

    I know what we can do with the red one. Do you?


    Well, it's gonna have to wait, 'cause we're going to the pub garden first.


    That lady right there is a wig trader.


    Yes. Yes it is.

    I'll skip the not-at-all-funny conversation with her and skip to the chase. We give her the candy floss (NO! I WAS TOTALLY GOING TO EAT THAT!) and she gives us her wig in return.


    ...let's go get some kid's teeth, shall we? Yeah, that sounds reasonably sane.


    Add Child Abuse to the list of crimes this game's made us commit.


    Right, so we have our teeth. Our bloody, sticky teeth.


    I most certainly hope so, you little cock-bite.

    The rest of the fair next time. Hope we don't have to viciously hurt anyone else (though we probably will).
  • edited March 2013
    ...and we're back.

    Right. Up next is the Test Your Strength game.


    Looks like someone's already there.


    Ah, the guy who gave us HAMMOR.

    Blah blah blah his clan was all wiped out by the dragon, he needs a symbol to restart it, blah blah blah.

    Well, the obvious answer is to give back HAMMOR. Symbol found, problem solved.

    Oh, but now he wants to win this Test Your Strength game.



    Naturally though, he's not allowed to HAMMOR on the game.


    Like so.

    The answer to this actually uses the 3D aspect of the game in an intelligent way.


    If you can't tell, what we have to do is stand the other side of the demon and talk to him so that he turns to face us and isn't looking at the game, allowing the dwarf to use HAMMOR on it and win.




    Yeah, the prize was a black T-Shirt, which we promptly take off his hands (well, it wouldn't fit him anyway).

    We actually have all we need to go and save the Frog Prince now, but we'll finish going through the fair first.


    This one's a ball toss. Could it possibly be rigged?


    No idea, but it's turned Simon's sleeve back to red, so that's probably not a good sign.


    Well, that should fit...


    ...oh. Yeah, it's rigged. The ball's too big to actually fit in the hole.


    Well, he's got me there.

    The solution to this might not come to you immediately, but if you recall, we got two snooker balls. We've used the red one, which leaves us with the yellow one.

    Maybe if we swap it with one of the yellow balls the demons give us?



    And our prize is...


    So now we have what we need to fix Coneman as well.

    But the last fairground attraction awaits!


    It's a little hard to tell, but this is a water squirting game, or Aqua Derby, as the game calls it.

    But before we can actually play it, the demons show up and remind us of everything we've put them through.


    This explains SO MUCH.

    Ayway. We say we want to play, and since it's a race we need someone to play against.

    Fortunately, we've made several evemies over the course of this game, and one such person challenges us.


    The Conkers Kid! (The lesser-known relative of the Milky Bar Kid. His outfit may have had something to do with his failure)

    After some utterly unfunny banter between him and Simon, the game is on.


    ...and here it is.

    This isn't all that awful, to be honest. We just need to spray whichever of the three holes happens to be open at the time (they open anti-clockwise).

    It's not too difficult, and is easily won.


    Is... is the Conkers Kid going to the toilet?

    Anyway. Our prize for THIS game?


    A tub of Toy Soldiers, like what was in the first Toy Story or *shudder* Army Men.

    And now we 'technically' have all we need to fix the dead guy as well. Jar Nin, wasn't it? Eh, whatever.

    Since we're done with the fair, I need a break to calm down. We'll fix everyone up next time.

    Can I get some people posting in this thread please? We're over 100 pictures on this page alone. Thanks.
  • edited March 2013
    Maybe for your next picture Let's Play you should do Doctor Who The Eternity Clock:D
  • edited March 2013
    The fairground bit is one of the better parts of the game. Too bad it's over pretty quickly.
  • SydSyd
    edited March 2013
    I eagerly await Simon's next atrocity.
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