Joke Thread

edited May 2013 in General Chat
On these forums, we’re all comedians, so I figured we could have a thread where we share jokes.

I’ll start.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down the front of his pants. The bartender says, “What’s that there for?” The pirate says, “Arr, it’s drivin’ me nuts!"
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Comments

  • edited May 2013
    Everyone finds my jokes extremely punny.
  • edited May 2013
    My favorite is Ice Climbers
  • edited May 2013
    A man walks into a bar.

    "Ow!"
  • edited May 2013
    Daikatana.
  • edited May 2013
    I thought we already had an Xbox one thread
    :D
  • edited May 2013
    I recently watched a movie about a man who turns his love of lemons into a confectionery business. I found the experience Bittersweet :p
  • edited May 2013
    I first read the title of this thread as the "Jake Thread." Is that a joke?
  • edited May 2013
    I once saw someone on a forum who called the xbox 360 the dickbox 360. Do you suppose the same person would call the xbox one the cut-off-your-dick-and-feed-it-to-the-wolverines-box one?
  • edited May 2013
    Two drums and a cymbal walk off a cliff.

    ...Buh dum tish!



    Thank you very much, I'll be here... forever.
  • edited May 2013
    Two drums and a cymbal walk off a cliff.

    ...Buh dum tish!



    Thank you very much, I'll be here... forever.

    Wow..just...no. That has most probably caused millions of people pain...















    ...Stomach pain. That was hilarious, possibly funnier than it should have been :p
  • edited May 2013
    My dog sucks. I call her Egypt because she leaves a pyramid in every room.
  • edited May 2013
    What is the best kind of comedy? Dark, screwball, or slapstick?
  • edited May 2013
    A French-Speaking man is on vacation in America and decides to visit the aquarium. He gets excited when he sees a seal in one of the glass tanks.

    He is later escorted from the premises.
  • edited May 2013
    This one is nasty, so prepare yourselves.

    Three vampires walk into a bar. One vampire orders a pint of blood, the second orders three shot glasses of blood, and the third orders a cup of hot water. The first downs his whole pint, and the second drinks each individual glass. They both look at the third vampire and ask, “Why did you order hot water?
    The vampire then pulls out a tampon and says, “I’m making tea."
  • edited June 2013
    A blonde walks into an ice cream store.

    Blonde: Could I have one gallon of vanilla, one gallon of strawberry, and one gallon of chocolate.

    Ice Cream guy: Sorry, we’re out of vanilla.

    Blonde: Well, then could I have one pint of vanilla, one pint of strawberry, and one pint of chocolate?

    Ice Cream guy: I just told you there isn’t any chocolate left.

    Blonde: Well, I’ll one scoop of vanilla, one scoop of strawberry, and one scoop of chocolate.

    Ice Cream guy: Ugh. Look, do you know how to spell the VAN in vanilla?

    Blonde: Yeah. V-A-N.

    Ice Cream guy: Can you spell the STRAW in strawberry?

    Blonde: Certainly. S-T-R-A-W.

    Ice Cream guy: Good. Now, can you spell the FUCK in chocolate?

    Blonde. There is no fuck in chocolate.

    Ice Cream guy: THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING, BITCH!
  • JenniferJennifer Moderator
    edited June 2013
    Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle!
  • edited June 2013
    Two very,very smashed men are coming home from the pub. They fall on a railway and start crawling on it.
    "God, these stairs seem to go forever!", says the first man.
    "Don't worry..." ,says the second man, "...I see the elevator coming"
  • edited June 2013
    Two elephants fall off a cliff.

    Boom boom.
  • edited June 2013
    Two elephants fall off a cliff.

    Boom boom.

    This is a flagrant ripoff of my joke from earlier.
  • JenniferJennifer Moderator
    edited June 2013
    What goes Fee Fi Fo Fee Fi Fo Fee? Mike Tyson giving out his phone number.
  • edited June 2013
    i have a good joke but its kinda racist so il keep it to myself :/
  • edited June 2013
    War doesn't determine who is right only who is left
  • edited June 2013
    This is a flagrant ripoff of my joke from earlier.
    Is it? I didn't even realize. I got it from a joke book.

    Lemme try another one:

    Why do blondes drive BMWs? It's the only car they can spell.
  • edited June 2013
    This is a flagrant ripoff of my joke from earlier.

    A muted trumpet falls off a cliff

    Wah waaaaaaaaah
  • edited June 2013
    One of my favorites. Be warned -- it's a long'un.:

    A man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

    So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

    The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie popped out!

    "The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

    The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

    "The genie said, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!

    "So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

    "The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

    "The genie boomed, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

    The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head."
  • edited June 2013
    A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two-foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says,'I suppose you won't be needing a drink.' Naked lady says...
  • edited June 2013
    This thread is a joke.

    Also, I don't get Chyron's joke. Should I feel bad?
  • edited June 2013
    It’s pulled out of The Breakfast Club. There is no actual punchline. However, I wrote one.

    A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a 2 foot salami under the other. Blonde says to barman "I got these for my husband". Barman looks at the stuff and says "Good trade".
  • edited June 2013
    or the naked blonde says nothing, the barman wonders whats going on and asks her

    'are you ok ?'

    the blonde says nothing

    the barman calls the police...

    mean while the other patrons are wondering whats going on..

    a two officers arrive.

    they put a blanket over her and as they try to lead her out of the pub to take her to hospital... she falls on the floor and die's...

    the salami starts to make a rumbling noise,,, the poodle jumps off the table and runs outside... the salami is actually a bomb and it blows up...

    the dog stops afew blocks away panting... a man in a dark hood picks him up and pets him 'saying well done fluffy'

    the end.

    police are reporting an office was broken into where the only thing stolen was the white out/tippex supply.... the investigating officers hope they make no mistakes in their search for the culprits
  • edited June 2013
    Two men are in a lifeboat, having escaped a sinking ship, and open up one of the bottles of water they've taken with them. Suddenly a genie pops out.

    "Ah, thank you for releasing me, my friends! Some jerk stuffed me in there for a laugh."

    The two men look at each other in bafflement before asking the genie if he's legit.

    "Indeed. unfortunately, because this is not my lamp, I can only grant you one wish."

    In a heartbeat, one of the men shouts "I wish the ocean was beer!" and with a click of his fingers, the genie makes it so. The boat is now floating in an ocean consisting entirely of beer.

    As the man looks at it with eager eyes, the other man smacks him across the back of the head.

    "You idiot!" he yells. "Now we'll have to piss in the boat!"
  • edited June 2013
    two fish are swimming around in a river, it starts to rain. one fish says : quick lets find shelter before we get wet !
  • edited June 2013
    How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Two. The question is, how do you get them in there?
  • edited June 2013
    One day a little blonde girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
    The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
    The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree."
    The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
    ''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
    The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
    The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
    The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
    Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
  • edited June 2013
    what do you call a deaf dog ?

    it doesn't matter because he can't hear you...

    what do you call a blind deaf and mute and legless stag ?

    again it doesn't matter cos he can't see, hear or even come to you..
  • edited June 2013
    Two cannibals were eating a clown when one turned to the other and said "Does this taste funny to you?"
  • edited June 2013
    a man is feeding his dog the usual dog only food... the dog eats his bowl with a grunt..
    the man sits down with his own dinner and starts to watch a football game..

    the dog upon finishing his meal. walks in the room where the man sits lays down in front of the tv and the dog licks his balls.. the man shouts : for gods sake 'riley' y u do dis every time...

    riley looks at him with a mournfull look and says: cos my balls taste alot better than that shit you make me eat..
  • edited June 2013
    Three guys crash on a tropical island and find it to be infested with cannibals. The chief cannibals tells them to go out into the jungle and bring back ten pieces of one kind of fruit. The first gut comes back with 10 apples, and the Chief says to him: “Shove each and every one of these apples into your ass without making a face, and you live. If you wince, you die.” In goes one apple, but on the second one he winced out in pain, so Guy 1 is eaten. Guy 2 comes back with berries, and the chief explains the challenge to him. “This is gonna be easy,” he says to himself. So in goes the first eight berries, but just before they could put in berry 9, he burst out laughing, so he was killed. Guy 1 and Guy 2 meet later in Heaven. “Why did you laugh,” Guy 1 asks. “You almost won!” Guy 2 starts laughing again. “I couldn’t help it. I say the other guy coming back with pineapples!"
  • edited June 2013
    This one's nasty. Fair warning.

    A guy on holiday in Amsterdam decides to visit a brothel. When he gets there, he asks for the cheapest woman available, and is shown into a room where a woman is already lying on a bed. Eager to begin, the man undresses and clambers on top, doing the deed. With every stroke in however, the woman spits into his face.

    After a few strokes, the man's had enough of this and storms out to complain. "Hey! That woman's spitting at me!"

    The guy behind the counter sighs and turns to a couple of guys playing cards. "You heard the man - go empty the corpse."
  • edited June 2013
    telltale episodes 2 and 3 release date ?

    what do you call pedo bear after a threesome ?

    pedihatrickbear

    apologies if that's across the line
  • edited June 2013
    Nah, that was fine. I think.

    A man is meeting with his lawyer to deal with divorce papers.

    "So," the lawyer says, "it says here that she's filing for divorce after you threw a trifle at her".

    The man shrugs. "Yep. And now she's claiming custard-y."
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