The Blades of Stenchtar II

TelltaleGamesTelltaleGames Former Telltale Staff
Regular readers of our blogs (or anyone with the Web savvy to click on the Blogs link at the top of our home page) may recall that one blog I wrote about RPG's. If you don't recall it, you can and should read it right this moment. Look, I don't care if your house is on fire, read it now, or suffer the consequences. In that blog (which Mildly Entertaining PC Products magazine described as "an unmitigated waste of bandwidth"�), I discussed international RPG sensation/phenomenon, The Blades of Stenchtar.

The good news is that swarms of people have been writing in to pre-order The Blades of Stenchtar, and by swarms I mean two. And another person wrote in to say, "I might buy The Blades of Stenchtar if someone had a high-powered rifle pressed to my temple... assuming a reasonable price point of course."� With such overwhelmingly enthusiastic support, it was a no-brainer for me to get to work on the sequel, The Blades of Stenchtar II: Escape from Stenchtar Mountain. Though this game has absolutely no chance of ever being made, writing it will get all these people clamoring for blogs off my back, and that is priority number one.

I want to warn you that I've decided to take the series in a slightly different direction. Moving beyond mere parody, I've attempted to take Stenchtar into the realm of pure art, where words have meaning beyond the knowable, and you can talk in sentences like this one and people will just nod and say, "Whatever"�. So with a minimum of further ado, I present The Blades of Stenchtar II: Escape from Stenchtar Mountain!

Following his epic victory over the wretchedly evil Gloatherd McMoatherd, our hero Oinktoast the Meticulous has started a new life for himself as the so-called "Haberdasher to the Stars"�. The townspeople of Stenchtar, who were forced to utter the exact same line of dialog under any circumstance while Gloatherd was still in power, are now once again speaking in entire paragraphs. All is not peaches and cream in Stenchtar, though, for a mysterious darkness has come over the land, probably because it's nighttime. Storms are brewing not only over the Dorkgard Mountains in the east, but also within Oinktoast himself.

You see, in a sickeningly predictable plot twist, it turns out that Gloatherd managed to survive being eaten by Oinktoast at the conclusion of The Blades of Stenchtar. Now living comfortably in Oinktoast's belly, Gloatherd has begun a counterattack the likes of which Oinktoast's guts have never before seen. Using every germ at his disposal, Gloatherd bombards the lining of Oinktoast's stomach like there's no tomorrow, which, if he's successful, there won't be! I won't tell you what all this stomach bombardment does to Oinktoast, but let's just say it rhymes with pie-arrhea.

Thinking he may have some sort of gastro-intestinal disorder, Oinktoast decides to visit the local seer, Serena the Needlessly Vague. She tells him, "That which dwells in your belly will one day spell your DOOM!"� Naturally, Oinktoast suspects the half-eaten baloney sandwich he found in the gutter the previous day. "I never should've eaten that baloney sandwich!"� he cries. Serena, in a rare moment of clarification, says, "Actually I was referring to that evil bad guy you ate in the last game."� Oinktoast, finally realizing the truth, raises his fist to the air and shouts, "Gloatherd McMoatherd lives! He lives in my belly, and I will destroy him, and quite likely some innocent beasts of the field as well!"� Serena says nothing, but you can tell she's thinking, "Yeah, no kidding."�

Oinktoast, sensing that the opening cut scene hasn't yet run its course, next visits Myrlyn the wizard for counsel. Note the spelling: Myrlyn, not Merlin. No copyright infringement here, folks. Myrlyn uses his best cauldron to concoct a special potion to help Oinktoast through the hard times ahead. Inexplicably whispering, he tells Oinktoast, "You must bathe in this potion and utter the words 'My guts, welcome your master, for I am home!'"� Oinktoast bravely performs the ritual, and in a puff of smoke or maybe just steam, he finds himself within his own stomach!

The End

You'll notice that there is no actual game play in TBOSII: EFSM. Repeat my mantra with me: "Game play takes up valuable cut scene time"�. You'll notice, too, that nothing is resolved. That's right David Lynch, meet your master. Why must we always be so obsessed with everything "making sense"�?! Life doesn't make sense. Deal with it people!!!!!!

Just kidding. I'm just getting tired, and I gotta wrap up this blog. Plus this gives me a good opportunity to further milk the Stenchtar license at a future date, if I so choose. Not that I am quite so calculating, though of course I am.

Okay, well, I'll see ya when I see ya.

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