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Mystery InGame Speculation Theatre 3000

posted by queen_of_the_lobsters on - last edited - Viewed by 891 users
Last night I played "Beyond the Alley of the Dolls," up to the point where I ask Sal about the cake. I didn't see the reunion between Stinky and Sal yet, so I had my own ideas about the Letter from S brewing when I turned in for the night. I started a new thread for this, since I can't think of any threads that this would go into. Perhaps the fanart thread, but that's more reserved to fan illustration than fan theatre. Anyflugen, I hope you like this.

(The scene opens in the PAPIERWAITE’s office in the Museum of Mostly Natural History. It’s dark out, and the windows are fogged over; it’s just about to rain. PAIPERWAITE is standing by one of the foggy windows, inspecting a scroll in the moonlight. The door starts rattling; someone could rip the door off its hinges if they were strong enough.)

PAPIERWAITE: (Groans) Has no one in this museum ever heard of knocking?

(He stomps over to the door and opens it. GIRL STINKY invites herself in, takes a letter out of her apron pocket and shoves it in PAPIERWAITE’s face.)

GIRL STINKY: What the hell is this?

PAPIERWAITE: Breaking and entering, apparently.

GIRL STINKY: This letter doesn’t make any sense! Who is “your queen?” What’s “phase two” mean? And most importantly, (shoves the paper in PAPIERWAITE’s face again) why do you have my cell phone number?!
(PAPIERWAITE takes the letter from GIRL STINKY, skimming it.)

PAPIERWAITE: How did you know to come here? There isn’t a forwarding address on this page.

GIRL STINKY: (Whips out a business card) You dropped this with the letter, Norrington. I used this and the letter you sent on an old scanner I had stashed away. Two clues were enough to lead me straight to the Museum.

PAPIERWAITE: (With a smirk) Clever, but not quite right. My name isn’t Norrington, you see. It’s Papierwaite. (Drops the smirk, and gestures to his door) It’s right on the door, even.

(GIRL STINKY looks behind her. Sure enough, the name “A. Papierwaite” is written on the door in frosted glass. GIRL STINKY turns back to PAPIERWAITE.)

GIRL STINKY: Norrington. Papierwaite. Whatever. I don’t care. I just want to get some answers. (Just as PAPIERWAITE answers “Of course,” GIRL STINKY draws and loads a handgun.) And just in case this is some kind of obsessive stalker fetish of yours…(Cocks the handgun).

PAPIERWAITE: Cute, but completely unnecessary.

(PAPIERWAITE begins to unbutton his smoking jacket. GIRL STINKY aims the gun right between PAPIERWAITE’s legs.)

PAPIERWAITE: Honestly, woman. I could do a lot better than you. (Continues to unbutton his jacket)

GIRL STINKY: Then why take off your shirt if you didn’t want to—

(PAPIERWAITE flashes GIRL STINKY, who shrieks in fear. PAPIERWAITE holds onto his jacket to obscure the audience’s view of his chest.)

GIRL STINKY: Oh my god! It’s so ugly!

PAPIERWAITE: I don’t like it any more than you do.

GIRL STINKY: (Shaking) Have you ever heard of a dermatologist?

DR. NORRINGTON: Yes, that is the general reaction. (PAPIERWAITE places his hand to his chin in thought, letting the jacket drop. The audience can now fully see DR. NORRINGTON’s horrible visage.) Still, you should have been reduced to crazed keening by now. I knew you’d be useful…

GIRL STINKY: (Aims the handgun at DR. NORRINGTON) Norrington? (DR. NORRINGTON nods.) Then spill!

DR. NORRINGTON: Something’s about to happen in this dimension…something big. Big enough to destroy all you know and love in this city, perhaps even this galaxy. And when the time comes, we’ll need the power of everyone in New York to stop it.

GIRL STINKY: I just run the diner. What can I possibly offer a guy with a…cuttlefish coming out of his chest?

PAPIERWAITE: Tunnels. We noticed that you had several escape tunnels leading from your diner throughout the city. If anything happens, ANYWHERE, come and tell us.

DR. NORRINGTON: And let’s not forget your grandfather’s host of ungodly recipes. His demon broth alone will be of great use to us.

GIRL STINKY: Seriously, we live in a city where EVERYTHING happens, all the time. You’re going to have to be a little more specific about this threat if you want my help. (Aims the handgun at DR. NORRINGTON’s head) For starters, you can tell me how you know my cell number.

PAPIERWAITE: Yog-Soggoth’s powers are so terrible that the human mind cannot begin to—

GIRL STINKY: Yeah, yeah. Horrible beast. I don’t have all day!

DR. NORRINGTON: Very well. (Inhales, then exhales) Aliens will be coming to your world to collect items known as the Toys of Power. These toys were created by all-powerful Elder Gods, such as myself. Should these aliens, or anyone with the right kind of mind, get their hands on these toys, they could unleash a psychically fueled Armageddon that could tear apart the fabric of reality.

GIRL STINKY: Great, alien psychic toys bringing about the end of times. (Lowers gun, then turns to leave the office) Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a lot of angry customers back at the diner.

PAPIERWAITE: (Incredulous) You don’t even care that you and your family will be destroyed?

GIRL STINKY: You boys seem more than capable of handling this thing on your own, and if you don’t have anything to offer me other than my life, I’m not playing. Ciao.

DR. NORRINGTON: What more could we offer than protection? For your grandfather? For your boyfriend? Sal, was it?

(GIRL STINKY stops in her tracks)

DR. NORRINGTON: Six-foot tall cockroach? Generally amiable and gullible? Your former fry cook?

GIRL STINKY: What do you know about that two-timing insect?

PAPIERWAITE: He came over yesterday, looking for a job. Apparently he had been fired from his previous position.

GIRL STINKY: Fired? You mean, he didn’t quit? (Growling) When I get home, grandpa and I are going to have a long, violent talk…

DR. NORRINGTON: You really love him, don’t you?

GIRL STINKY: (Clenching her fists) Stupid! Stupid! Why did I ever think he’d just leave? Poor sap probably didn’t have the exoskeleton to tell me! (Turns back to PAIPERWAITE) You’d better hire Sal!

PAPIERWAITE: (Waving his hand) Yes, yes. I will hire him, pay him well, treat him like my own son (Turns back to GIRL STINKY), IF you donate your time and tunnels to our cause!

DR. NORRINGTON: And the Demon Broth. Let’s not forget that.

GIRL STINKY: Deal, but remember: If Sal gets hurt or attacked by psychic aliens, or something, because of you (Holds up her handgun) I still have this!

DR. NORRINGTON: Perfect! We took the liberty of constructing a tunnel leading from the museum to a hull beneath your diner. It’s also connected to several other parts of the city, if you need a quick escape route. Be sure to report to us regularly about any strange psychic phenomena, and above all: DON’T LET ANYONE GET INTO YOUR HEAD!

GIRL STINKY: Sure. But one more question: Why call me “your queen?”

DR. NORRINGTON: (In sincere confusion) I…thought that was the proper way to address you…

GIRL STINKY: Uh, no…(Motions to her tiara) the crown’s just for looks.

DR. NORRINGTON: Are you not the Queen of Canada?

PAPIERWAITE: (Annoyed) That was Sybil, you ignorant beast! Sybil!

GIRL STINKY: (To DR. NORRINGTON) He’s right, you know. The Pandemik chick’s the one who used to rule Canada.

DR. NORRINGTON: (To both PAPIERWAITE and GIRL STINKY) It doesn’t matter now! Let’s just part as friends for the time being!

(GIRL STINKY reluctantly offers her hand to DR. NORRINGTON. He does not take it. Instead he looks up at PAPIERWAITE, demandingly. PAPIERWAITE rolls his eyes, and shakes GIRL STINKY’s hand. Scene ends.)
15 Comments - Linear Discussion: Classic Style
  • tell-tales shooed hayer you
  • Very well-written. I enjoyed this little bit of speculation that you made.
  • Excellent. It is worthy of being animated properly.
  • I'm reviving this thread to do a little something I wrote after the end of "The City that Dares Not Sleep." Something to keep in mind with this is that it follows the "Recall Crimefighting" ending. And a one and a two and a three:

    Act 1, Scene 3

    (Setting: New York City, on a landmass in front of the Statue of Liberty. The statue has a head much like that of our loveable lagomorph, Max, but this one still has its curls and crown. The landmass has a raised platform and a podium, and is surrounded by seated citizens and newspaper reporters. THE MAYOR is about to step atop the platform to give his speech, when one of his AIDEs pulls him aside.)

    Sir, do you really want to speak in that…outfit.

    What’s wrong with the way I’m dressed?

    (Lifts up THE MAYOR’s necklace, which is made entirely of human fingers.)
    Most people would consider this to be in bad taste. Especially considering the recent events.

    What? These are the fingers of the brave men and women who gave their lives to save this fair city.

    This fair city has been plagued enough by nightmares. A good mayor wouldn’t give them new ones.

    (Groans, then takes off the necklace) Fine, but I will be wearing this later at the banquet, no matter what those hippie-liberals say.

    (THE MAYOR then walks onto the platform and up to the podium, clearing his throat to get everyone’s attention.)

    Citizens, we are gathered here today as a blessed lot. We, among all the people of the world, have looked into the abyss and lived to tell the tale. Many have lost their jobs, their limbs, their sanity, their very lives to the massacre that had fallen upon us. However, this is not a time to think of death, but rather birth. We have emerged from the ashes, phoenixes of New York, and we will rebuild our city with those very ashes. Most importantly, this is a time to recognize a relentless team that has invested their blood, sweat and tears to keeping us out of despair.
    (THE MAYOR takes out a comically oversized key, holding it up for a potential front cover shot.) It is my honor to present the key to the city to the saviors of our city: Sam and Max, Freelance Police.

    (The audience erupts into applause as SAM and MAX walk towards the podium. SAM holds up the massive teeth to the key, while MAX happily gnaws of its shaft, his feet dangling in the air.)

    Thank you, your mayorness. (To the audience) There really isn’t much to say. I’m just glad to see all of the East Coast more or less intact.

    (Still hanging onto the key) If you want to know how to thank us, then we accept gold, cash, corn dogs, fudgey freezes, money, cash, checks, VISA, and attractive, scantily clad women. Did I mention corn dogs, because that one’s kind of important.

    (From the audience) Is that Max? It’s a miracle! You’ve saved the city and your friend in one fell swoop!

    (From the audience) That can’t be Max! He blew up in space! And he’s uncloneable!

    Yeah, here’s the thing. He’s not Max. Not really.

    Oh my God! Sybil’s back! And she must have eaten Abe in a cannibalistic mating ritual! (The audience gasps) How else do you explain all that b’donk b’donk?

    (From the audience) Um, maybe I was pregnant for fifteen weeks and I just gave birth? (Holding up her swaddled child) You were there.

    Naw. I’d remember something like that alabaster abomination.

    As I was saying, he’s not the Max we know and love and occasionally run from. He’s actually from an alternate timeline.

    It’s a long story, one involving time traveling mariachis, a suspenseful case on the moon, and a mysterious screwdriver…

    (From the audience) You mean you don’t even care that your partner is deceased. You’re simply content to gallivant about with some facsimile!

    He’s not a fake Max. He’s just a younger Max, less experienced in the ways of the world.

    (From the audience) Seems like a bit of an insult to the late Max’s memory that you could just pluck out a past version and call him your own.

    (From the audience) Ma’am, give the man who saved our city a break. He just lost his best friend and a new one comes from a time traveling elevator. Of course he’d latch onto it like a newborn duck onto a rain boot.

    (Screaming from the audience) YOU FAIL…AT EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE!!!

    (Explodes in a fit of rage) You think I don’t know that?! You think I haven’t spent every since that fateful day wondering if I did the right thing? Every night I hear a voice in my head saying, “It’s not him, it’s not him!” And guess what, it’s me! My lips were forming those words, no matter what my brain was willing to accept!

    (To SAM) Hey! It’s not like life with you has been a bed of Chik-O-Sticks either! (Gesturing to himself) I had to blow up my best friend! I had to travel through time because I couldn’t stand to see you so miserable! I put on a happy grin and sought out petty criminals to keep you sane!

    (From the audience) Who knew that tensions between the Freelance Police ran so high?

    (To SAM) You know what you would have done if I hadn’t stepped in? You would have killed yourself! That’s right! Killed yourself and everyone else who survived because they couldn’t bring me back! Which begs the question: (Spreads out his arms) What the hell are we doing here?

    (The audience is silent for a moment, wondering what MAX meant by that comment.)

    What the hell are we doing here when we could be saving your Max and my Sam?

    But they’re both dead!

    (Snorts) C’mon, we’re the Freelance Police. We can’t die, not for long anyway. Besides, there’s only one place our partners could be right now. And the person in charge is currently too busy working on his defamation suit to notice if a few of his clients go missing.

    (SAM places his hand in his chin in thought then snaps his fingers, grinning)

    Of course! That never even occurred to me! And with the recent death toll, there’ll be thousands of newly-deads boarding the Soul Train. (Turns to MAX) What do you say we assemble a crack team to save Sam and Max?

    Can’t think of a reason not to!

    (Both of them say the next two lines at the same time.)

    Hey Papierwaite! Sybil! Wanna break into Hell and save our friends’ souls?

    Yo Skunkape! Bosco! Get the old team together! We’re breaking into Hell!
    (Both of them turn to look at each other. The audience seems just as baffled)

    Papierwaite helped you save the city? And that Norrington guy?

    Didn’t he help you?

    Hell no! He and that creepy Norrington guy just sat back and waited for the Elder Gods to take over the world!

    But General Skunkape, an intergalactic warlord bent on stealing The Devil’s Toybox so he could rule the universe, was willing to save the city.

    A. It’s called “The Devil’s Fusebox,” and B. Skunkape had a lot of self-esteem issues that he managed to overcome by fighting the good fight.

    (Brief pause) Looks like we’ll be going to Hell by ourselves, other little buddy.

    (Pulls out his luger) Now we’re talkin’! (Runs through the audience, guns a’blazing.) Let’s get this train wreck a rolling!

    (Chases after MAX) You read my mind, Sam! I mean, Max! By the way, how’s Bosco been doing in your timeline?

    (Offstage) Still as paranoid as ever! He ended up cancelling the Vegas trip because he was afraid of losing all his money and having to pay back the casino through stripteases!

    (Offstage) Even through time travel and dead partners, you still crack me up, little buddy!

    (SAM and MAX are gone, blazing the trail for a new episodic adventure, starting with rescuing their friends from the firey Pits of Hell. The audience turned to see them go, but isn’t quite sure what to do now that the Freelance Police have left. THE MAYOR just looks at the audience, shrugs his shoulders, and walks offstage. The rest of the onstage audience go their separate ways, leaving nothing but empty folding chairs, an empty podium, and a Statue of Liberty with Max’s face. The lights dim, and the scene ends.)
  • That's some impressive writing! Great job!
  • These are pretty awesome, that's really all I can say, you've got a good grasp on each of the character's personalities.
  • That was a little too soap opera-ish for me, but well written.
  • HelloCthulhu;373836 said:
    That was a little too soap opera-ish for me, but well written.
    Well, I was going for overdramatic in both Max's reveal and Sam and Max's outbursts, so glad to see that worked.
  • queen_of_the_lobsters;373773 said:
    I'm reviving this thread to do a little something I wrote after the end of "The City that Dares Not Sleep." Something to keep in mind with this is that it follows the "Recall Crimefighting" ending.
    Great stuff, thanks for sharing!
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