Telltale Autumn Sale

Let's Play 'Flight of the Amazon Queen'

edited June 2013 in General Chat
Let's Play 'Flight of the Amazon Queen'

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I first purchased this game as a 13 year old kid, back in 1995. Although I have completed it a couple of times, it's been many years since I last did so. Therefore, replaying this game is sure to feel rather fresh.

The only other thing I want to say before we begin is that I genuinely enjoy playing this game and have very fond memories of it. I only say this because the tone of this let's play will be fairly humorous and at times, playfully mocking but I wouldn't want anyone to think that I was slagging off the game.

Without further adieu, let's get started...

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The game certainly doesn't try to break convention as we start on a cut-scene; where we find our smart mouthed hero, Joe King (it's best to get used to the cringe inducing puns in this game), pilot for hire, tied up in a warehouse with his date.

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The reason they are tied up is because the lady is the girlfriend of a walking cliché of a mob boss. He found out about his girl's infidelity and was none too pleased to say the least. Also, it's interesting to see that Prince has an uncredited cameo as the gangster on the right!

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"You Dirty Rat!"

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The gangster has avoided common sense by failing to shoot them (well actually common sense would be filing for divorce but gangsters are prone to becoming a bit grumpy) and has instead rigged up a bomb to explode. It looks like curtains for our dating couple and the tension is palpable. Of course this is still the opening cinematic, so we know that Joe will be okay.

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Our saving grace comes in the form a very ungraceful entrance. Standing in a bathtub (for some inexplicable reason) is our good pal, Sparky; who enters by crashing through the roof.

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The warehouse explodes moments after we make our escape, with the mob boss still inside. You'd think that he would have vacated the premises considering he set the bomb to go off but I've come to the conclusion that he probably suffers from short term memory loss.

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Rather than taking a much deserved day off work, Joe is more concerned with collecting his latest paying passenger; the famous movie star, Faye Russel. You certainly couldn't say that he's not dedicated to his job.

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However, once we arrive at the venue where Faye is staying we find Anderson standing in her dressing room. Everyone has an arch-nemesis; David has Goliath, Holmes has Moriarty, Wile E. Coyote has Road Runner and Joe has Anderson (a rival pilot for hire).

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Anderson explains that he intends to steal Faye away from us, as his own passenger. He then locks the door (which is made of solid steal... um, why?!), thus trapping us in the room.

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And so the true adventure begins. Currently Joe is carrying his diary (used to save and load games) and a baseball bat. I'm not sure as to why Joe carries a bat with him. Maybe he's prone to a spot of impromptu baseball!

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"Nah, I carry this partly out of... I don't know. What's the word?"
"Affectation?"
"Right."


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I decide that the bat may be put to good use by smashing the window to the right but Joe informs me that it's made of bullet-proof glass! This is getting ridiculous, why in tarnation does Faye Russel need a solid steal door and a bullet-proof glass window?! Is she a high priority target for the assassins of the world? I can only assume that she's received death threats from an obsessed fan (the same kind that I regularly send to Charlize Theron).

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Seeming as I can't break the window, perhaps I can shout to my pal Sparky for help, who's stood outside reading his favourite comic, 'Commander Rocket'. My attempts to gain his attention are fruitless however because the glass is not only bullet-proof but also sound-proof (but of course).

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All is not lost however as upon picking up some sheets strewn across the floor, I discover a laundry shoot. Now call me over-zealous when it comes to health and safety if you like, but isn't a GIANT FUCKING HOLE IN THE GROUND just a tad dangerous?! Never-mind, at least it's an escape route.

I knot the two sheets together, tie them to the nearby radiator and descend the chute.

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Wwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....

... hold on! If I'm simply sliding down the chute, then why in blazes did I need to tie together those sheets?! Ho hum, a slide's always fun so I'm not going to complain.

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Being the sex crazed (and starved) maniac that I am, the first thing that I'm interested in investigating are these novelty boobies (heh heh... boobies)! I pick up a pair (they might come in handy on a cold, lonely winters night) and admire the unbeatable craftsmanship...

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"Unbeatable? Au contraire."

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Anywayyyyyy... I take the stairs up to the lobby but unfortunately my escape route is being guarded by a couple more gangsters. I immediately spy a rather handy key on the bell boy's desk and attempt to pick it up. Naturally, the staff is not going to let that happen so I talk to him and exhaust all of the dialogue options but to no avail.

I also try to press the bell on the desk but it cannot be achieved, which is a shame because I love to ring the desk bell multiple times in adventure games when the assistant is already standing there. It usually winds them up to no end! You've missed a trick here, developers.

It's worth pointing out that the bell boy's voice sounds like a cross between these two...

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Kermit the Frog (anthropomorphised frog thing)

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Beek Nariz (the elephant man's uglier brother)

... You'd think that the manager of the venue would want to have someone with a slightly less ludicrous voice manning the front desk but clearly the manager is an equal opportunities employer, so I'm not going to berate him for being a nice chap.

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Feeling as though I'm now out of options, I attempt to sneak past the gangsters but they spot me. The short one sounds just like Marlon Brando and the tall one looks like David Prowse in 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' (as evidenced at 2:15 in this clip). Therefore, I shall henceforth refer to them as Brando & Prowse.

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Brando & Prowse lock me back in Faye's room and... remove my clothes. They claim that this might discourage me from attempting to escape again but quite frankly, I have my suspicions that they're just a couple of horny perverts!

I then spend the next 10 minutes wondering back and forth between the different areas, absolutely clueless as to what I need to do next. Out of desperation, I try interacting with every object in every logical way possible... still no luck.

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Then I try talking to the bell boy again, only to find a new dialogue option. It turns out that you have to look at the key before this option will appear! Grr... bloody adventure games!

Anyway, now that I have the key to the dressing room; I head on down there...

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... to be confronted by Joe's ex-girlfriend, Lola. She's awful mad at Joe for dumping her and the two have a humorous back and forth.

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Lola hops in to the shower and conveniently has her private areas covered by patches of steam on the glass (how very 'Austin Powers'). Lola agrees to help us escape if we retrieve a towel for her (I guess she's rather easily pleased). Luckily, I have one to hand and Lola soon explains her plan to us.

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The plan is to dress me Joe up in ladies clothing, so that I can pass the gangsters upstairs unnoticed. Joe attaches the boobies (heh heh... boobies), puts on a wig found in Faye's room and slips on the dress.

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A 'Maniac Mansion' style cut-scene is triggered...

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... in which we are introduced to a quite clearly insane Doctor named Ironstein (I did warn you about the awful puns). However, for the purposes of this let's play, I shall call him Dr. Fruitloop.

Speaking to his lackey, Dr. Fruitloop explains his retarded genius master plan to turn Amazonian women into dinosaur people. I'm sure it's a dream we've all had at some point or another, right alongside world peace and sleeping with Charlize Theron.

In order to show the process of the transformation to the player his lackey, Dr. Fruitloop fires up the machine...

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"Transmogrification process initiated."
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I couldn't help but notice that the sound that the machine makes is the same iconic sound effect made by the opening of doors in 'Doom'. Tsk tsk, developers!

Dr. Fruitloop then explains that he will now activate the 'Aggression Enhancer'...
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... but he's clearly not left the beta stage of development yet!

Sadly for Dr. Fruitloop (but thankfully for the women of the Amazon) he's run out of test subjects. Unfortunately that's not going to stop an ambitious young ancient go-getter like Dr. Fruitloop though...

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Seriously, this guy's so corny that I'm surprised the developers didn't have him cackle in an evil manner...

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... oh, they did.

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The cut-scene has finished and we return to Joe Joanne, as we prepare to exit the hotel. We succeed and Sparky drives us away but the goons do a double-take and realise that was no lady!

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Marlon & Prowse give chase and open fire at Joe. Because this is an adventure game, they're shots are less on target than a blind Stormtrooper's.

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"Hey! I'd totally blow your head off for that remark... if I wasn't such a rubbish shot!"

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Luckily there's a canister of oil on the back of the truck, so I chuck it at the car and it's "adios amigos". That just leaves one thing; for Joe to make a Schwarzenegger-esque quip...

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Pure poetry!

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We catch up with Anderson (the cad!) just as he's about to fly away with Faye using our plane (the extra-double-bastard cad).

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Joe uses his subtle negotiation skills to... punch Anderson out cold. Sparky then appears to join us on our flight.

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Nuts! Our plane has been hit by lightning and it looks like we're going down...

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Hmm, I sense the beginning of a familiar relationship ...


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Well, that's it for Part 1.
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Comments

  • edited April 2012
    Good stuff ol' bean!

    (This meticulous detail is great for me actually, since I have an impairment that prevents me from actually getting anywhere in adventure games. So I'll finally be able to find out what happens without all that messy puzzle business (I mean seriously, a rock AND a pressure plate. Just too much for me! :X))
  • edited April 2012
    Good stuff. I like your little related asides and generally you're a good commenter. The shots do remind me why I don't like the smoothing graphic options in ScummVM, but then I guess I'm a traditionalist in that sense.
  • edited April 2012
    I saw the thread and I expected it to be something along the lines of: "I'm bored, I'm doing this, wanna see me play this game?"

    When I started looking at your post, I was like O.O How did I miss this game?!

    Thread approved, looking forward to more epic stuff ^^
  • edited April 2012
    Good stuff ol' bean!

    (This meticulous detail is great for me actually, since I have an impairment that prevents me from actually getting anywhere in adventure games. So I'll finally be able to find out what happens without all that messy puzzle business (I mean seriously, a rock AND a pressure plate. Just too much for me! :X))

    Meh, who needs a rock when you've got a torch, right?
    The shots do remind me why I don't like the smoothing graphic options in ScummVM, but then I guess I'm a traditionalist in that sense.

    Yeah, it's really a case of "whatever floats your boat". Personally I like the filters but if enough people tell me that they'd prefer me to turn them off for this let's play, then I'll be happy to do so.
    I saw the thread and I expected it to be something along the lines of: "I'm bored, I'm doing this, wanna see me play this game?"

    When I started looking at your post, I was like O.O How did I miss this game?!

    Thread approved, looking forward to more epic stuff ^^

    Sir, you honor me.
  • edited April 2012
    St_Eddie wrote: »
    Yeah, it's really a case of "whatever floats your boat". Personally I like the filters but if enough people tell me that they'd prefer me to turn them off for this let's play, then I'll be happy to do so.

    I'm not telling you how to play your own game, I was just stating my personal preference. That preference won't prevent me from enjoying your play through so don't worry about it!
  • edited April 2012
    I'm not telling you how to play your own game, I was just stating my personal preference. That preference won't prevent me from enjoying your play through so don't worry about it!

    Hehe. I didn't think that you were telling me how to play. I was just saying that I really don't mind playing with or without filters so I'd rather people let me know now if they'd rather I switched them off for the rest of the let's play.

    No biggie! :)
  • edited April 2012
    This was pretty fantastic. I giggled quite a lot while reading this. Also, I feel a strange compulsion to play this game now. I mean, Amazonian dinosaur women! Why has no one else capitalized on this? Why are all the new games are all about zombies, zombies, zombies when they could have gotten the Xena and Jurassic Park demographic in one go!
  • edited April 2012
    I love "Let's Play..." types of videos but rarely have time to watch them. Something like this is a lot faster to review (and if I really don't have time, it's easy to come back to a certain place). You did a great job with the commentary, and I'm looking forward to Part 2!
  • edited April 2012
    I have this on iOS, and it frequently crashes, and the controls kind of suck. So I'll be reading this thread with interest to find out what happens (I've gotten as far as the plane crash before giving up out of annoyance.)
  • edited April 2012
    Loved it. Moar plz!
  • edited April 2012
    Let's Play 'Flight of the Amazon Queen'
    Part 2: 'Suck My Pocket Rocket, Robin Williams'


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    We find ourselves inside the plane, crashed in a body of water, deep within the Amazon jungle.

    There's a constant and heavy stream of water leaking in through the back of the plane but oddly the water has simply stopped halfway down the isle of the plane's interior, keeping away from us. That's some seriously polite water!

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    "Shall I shine your shoes for you too, Sir?"

    I explore the wreckage and discover:

    A knife
    A lighter (without flint)
    Some Beef Jerky
    A water damaged 'Pocket Rocket Decoder Ring' coupon from Sparky's 'Commander Rocket' comic book.


    I literally have no idea what a 'Pocket Rocket Decoder Ring' is, much less why I would need to carry a water damaged coupon for a 'Pocket Rocket Decoder Ring'. Now, I know what a 'Pocket Rocket' is because I'm male and therefore have one dangling between my legs but the 'Decoder Ring' part of the 'Pocket Rocket Decoder Ring' leaves me baffled.

    Still, I'm sure that I'll find some kind of use for a 'Pocket Rocket Decoder Ring' coupon at some point on my adventure.

    ... 'POCKET ROCKET DECODER RING' (I just wanted to say that one more time)!!!

    I then make sure that I've exhausted all possible dialogue options with both Sparky and Faye.
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    Shut the hell up, you Charlize Theron wannabe.

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    I take a look outside of the plane, only to find it surrounded by a school of piranhas, who are stopping me from picking up that rather handy looking propeller.

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    The solution seems fairly obvious and so I dip my beef jerky into the water (and no, that isn't a euphemism; I'm not into aquatic S&M, thank you very much). The piranhas bugger off and I'm free to pick up the propeller.

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    The rest of the gang join me on a lily-pad, which is strong enough to hold the weight of three adults... apparently. We then use the propeller to row to the shore.

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    Naturally it's muggins here who has to do all of the work, whilst Ms. Prissy Knickers preens herself and the fat man-child plays with a yo-yo.

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    Before I head off into the Jungle to re-enact the plot of 'Cannibal Holocaust'; Sparky asks me if I could pick up a replacement copy of his water damaged comic book!

    Sadly there's no dialogue option to say:

    "Fuck you and your pathetic kids comic, you complete imbecile. Our friendship is over!"

    or

    "I should have saved the beef jerky and fed you to the piranhas, fat boy. After-all, I'm sure the jerky would have been more useful and it would have made for a better conversationalist!"

    ... Instead Joe agrees to help Sparky out if he can because Joe is a wet sock.

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    "Hello. My name is Joe. Allow me to let you walk all over me."

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    Guybrush then walks into the jungle and...

    ... Sorry, wrong game!

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    Joe then walks into the jungle and comes across a parrot, who babbles something about a princess and a kidnapping in-between his squawks. This moment isn't a rip-off of the dog from the Scumm Bar in 'Monkey Island' at all... is what a lawyer at Warner Interactive would say.

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    I use my knife to cut down a hanging vine. Which um... darn, I don't really have anything funny to say about this! Uh, give me a second... which was a really fvine thing to do.

    ... I'll get me coat!

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    Moving on I come across Robin Williams a gorilla, who's blocking the path.

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    A gorilla, displaying himself to a potential mate.

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    Award winning actor and comedian, Robin Williams.

    I decide to head back for now and go off in a different direction...
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    ... and come across a bridge in need of repair. You hardly have to be EinsteinIronstein to figure out what we need to do here.

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    Yep, the vine does the job and we make our way across the repaired bridge.

    On the other side of the bridge we find a banana...
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    Joe could easily be describing my very own "Pocket Rocket" here, save for one detail; mine is only two and a half inches long but it is curved and it is most certainly a putrid yellow colour!

    It seems fairly obvious that we should now head on back to the gorilla and offer him the banana...

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    ... Which the greedy git proceeds to eat but still refuses to budge!

    I'm now lost as to what to do next so I travel around a bit; until...

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    I come back to this screen and realise that another banana has miraculously appeared! I walk back to the gorilla and give him a second feeding but he still won't budge a single inch!

    I'm now bemused as to how to progress and desperate times call for desperate measures:

    USE BASEBALL BAT on GORILLA...
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    Dammit Joe, the only kind of baseball I want to play involves using this hairy bastard's head as a ball!

    Okay, perhaps Joe will interpret this command a little better:

    USE KNIFE on GORILLA...
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    Dag-nab-it Joe, quit acting like you're Dian Fossey and slice up that primate!

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    Clearly this lot have never had their path blocked by a banana guzzling annoyance!

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    Hell yeah!

    I'm completely stumped so I guess it's time to save my game and call it a day for now.

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    Well, that's it for Part 2.
  • JenniferJennifer Moderator
    edited April 2012
    Oh, ack. You're on that puzzle. That's a weird puzzle. :eek: You're going to have to suspend your feelings of disbelief for that one.
  • edited April 2012
    Can you try to hit the gorilla with the banana?
  • edited April 2012
    Good part 2. Leaves me anticipating part 3 in which I guess you get so frustrated you quit this game and play something else!
  • edited April 2012
    Yayz! Awesome as always. Looking forward to part 3.
  • edited April 2012
    Jennifer wrote: »
    Oh, ack. You're on that puzzle. That's a weird puzzle. :eek: You're going to have to suspend your feelings of disbelief for that one.
    Hmm, okay. Advice taken with no small amount of trepidation.

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    "I've got a bad feeling about this."
    Can you try to hit the gorilla with the banana?

    Sadly there is no "hit" verb. Oh God, how I wish that there were.
    Good part 2. Leaves me anticipating part 3 in which I guess you get so frustrated you quit this game and play something else!

    Trust me when I say that I'm in this for the long haul. For better or for worse.

    P.S. I love your new Starbug avatar. :D
  • edited April 2012
    St_Eddie wrote: »
    Trust me when I say that I'm in this for the long haul. For better or for worse.

    P.S. I love your new Starbug avatar. :D

    That's good. It'll make this all the more interesting.

    Oh and thanks, I was messing around last night with my lickle Starbug and just decided to make it my avatar. A few photos later and voila! If you look closely you can see that I've penciled in the left hand (as you're looking at it) cockpit window for some drunken reason.
  • edited April 2012
    ... I was messing around last night with my lickle Starbug and just decided to make it my avatar. A few photos later and voila! If you look closely you can see that I've penciled in the left hand (as you're looking at it) cockpit window for some drunken reason.

    Oh yes, so you have. XD

    I suppose you could pretend that the crew crashed into an asteroid or something!
  • edited April 2012
    St_Eddie wrote: »
    Oh yes, so you have. XD

    I suppose you could pretend that the crew crashed into an asteroid or something!

    Yeah why not! It's not as if that hasn't happened at all before!
  • edited April 2012
    I've added a few updates to part 2, so those who've already read it may want to have a second look. The new stuff consists of pictures and photos outside of the game itself, so they should be easy enough to spot!

    I'll be posting Part 3 tomorrow.
  • puzzleboxpuzzlebox Telltale Alumni
    edited April 2012
    St_Eddie wrote: »
    Joe King (it's best to get used to the cringe inducing puns in this game)

    To be honest I always expected Joe and Faye to get together at the end, just for the Joe King / Faye King gag. :p

    This is great stuff, definitely got some laughs out of me! I look forward to the next installment with anticipation.
  • edited April 2012
    puzzlebox wrote: »
    To be honest I always expected Joe and Faye to get together at the end, just for the Joe King / Faye King gag. :p

    Oh wow, I'd never considered that. :D

    Looks like I now know what the final gag I'll be making for my let's play will be, thanks to you. :)
  • edited April 2012
    St_Eddie wrote: »
    I've added a few updates to part 2, so those who've already read it may want to have a second look. The new stuff consists of pictures and photos outside of the game itself, so they should be easy enough to spot!

    It felt like there was something missing, and that was it. Keep it up!
  • edited April 2012
    Aw. Every time I see someone's posted in this thread I keep thinking it's the next part. And then I look at who posted and it's not. Stop getting my hopes up! I can't live like this! YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, PEOPLE!
  • edited April 2012
    Sorry!
  • edited April 2012
    No you're not. You're just saying that to get me to shut up.

    (I'm the one who's actually sorry, I seem to be a bit mad this afternoon/evening. Video editing'll do that to you.)
  • edited April 2012
    Aw. Every time I see someone's posted in this thread I keep thinking it's the next part. And then I look at who posted and it's not. Stop getting my hopes up! I can't live like this! YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, PEOPLE!

    I'm sorry if you were thinking this post might have been Part 3 but I just thought I'd let you know that I'm going to have a shower, watch 'The Simpsons', eat my dinner and then I'll get started on Part 3. I promise that it'll be uploaded at some point tonight. :)
  • edited April 2012
    Gah! That was mean! Slapped wrists all round.

    ...but not slapped so hard you can't work. I do want you to keep up with this, after all. :)
  • edited April 2012
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  • edited April 2012
    Let's Play 'Flight of the Amazon Queen'
    Part 3: 'Insulting the Locals (aka 'Joe the Jerk)'


    Following Part 2 and my inability to get past the gorilla; forum user, Jennifer suggested suspending all disbelief in my approach. Following her advice, I resort to trying to talk to the gorilla. Yeah, like that's going to work!

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    "You've gotta be fucking kidding!"

    The conversation with the anthropomorphic creature continues and it's not long before we are playing a game of charades... I shit you not.
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    Whereas I can't believe that the developers had me playing charades with an ape.

    As thoroughly "amusing" as all of this is, it's really not helping me to get past our idiotic irritant. The solution to this problem makes just about as much sense as a talking primate...

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    ... at which point the gorilla disappears up it's own paradox...
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    ...but not before briefly transforming into Mr. DNA from 'Jurassic Park'.

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    "That's 'Mr. Damn Nonsensical Ape' to you!"

    This whole scenario seemed so ridiculous and far fetched that I had to take a moment to stop playing and come up with a rational explanation for what just occurred.

    I came the conclusion that Dr. Fruitloop designed a robotic simian as a guard to keep unwanted visitors away from his lab.

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    ADVERTISEMENT: Another fine product from Fruitloop Incorporated. *Disclaimer: Robot Gorilla may be prone to constantly initiating a game of charades. No refunds.

    What Joe did was introduce a state of cognitive dissonance within the artificial intelligence of the robot, causing it to explode...

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    "Does not compute!"
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    ... Either that or the developers simply dropped a bollock on this one!

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    I'm betting everything on 'bollock'.

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    It's time for another cut-scene...

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    Faye is sick of waiting for Joe to return and who can blame her, considering that Joe has spent the last three years trying to get passed an ape.

    Out of frustration, Faye chucks her expensive bottle of perfume into the lake, which is a pretty short sighted thing to do...
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    ... after-all, you never know when you might need to spray some perfume on a stinky elephant's head.

    Disposing of a valued personal possession may seem like a fairly random thing for Faye to do but the developers clearly intended this scene to give her character extra depth by showing her impending mental breakdown add an extra item to the player's inventory.

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    Unfortunately because Faye has never acted in a horror movie before, she decides to split up and go looking for help all by herself. However, I'm sure that this will have no adverse consequences whatsoever. I mean, it's not like there's a mad scientist lurking in the jungle, ready to kidnap her and try to turn her into a dinosaur-woman hybrid or anything...

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    ...Oh right, him! Oh well, if the worst comes to the worst then Faye could always star in the next 'Jurassic Park' movie. As a bonus, it'll also save the studio a small fortune in special effects!

    I head on back to the crash site in an attempt to retrieve the perfume but Joe is wary of the piranhas again and for some unexplained reason we're unable to distract them with the last of our beef jerky, as we did previously.

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    "Beef jerky will no longer suffice, human. We now demand a virgin sacrifice."

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    "... and a shrubbery."

    LOOK at SPARKY:
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    Bloody hell, Joe! He's sat right in front of you! You should change your name by deed pole to 'Joe Foo King Rood'.

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    Sparky is attempting to fix the engine by filing down the damage on it; a great mechanic he is not!

    Joe asks Sparky if he can have the file.

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    Joe's finger nails.

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    However, Sparky refuses to provide Joe with the tool until he has provided him with a replacement 'Commander Rocket' comic. Hmm, I wonder why he's being so unhelpful...
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    One minute prior.

    This is going nowhere fast so I head back to the now gorilla-less path and proceed onwards.

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    I reach a view of the surrounding area, which acts as a map for selectable locations. First stop; Trader Bob.

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    Upon arrival, Joe immediately insults a local!

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    "Mr. Foo King Rood, we present to you this award for 'Nice Guy of the Year' with no small amount of sarcasm."

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    Joe continues to bully the confused pygmy, who remains silent (this is probably due to the poor sod suffering from low self-esteem and trying to hold back the tears). Joe decides to stop being a jerk for all of 2 minutes and walks into the village.

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    First we'll try to talk to the chief of the village...

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    ROUGH TRANSLATION: "Of course not! What do you think I am?! A gorilla or something!"

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    I'm starting to think that I'm playing the wrong game. This is 'Flight of the Amazon Queen', right? Not 'Asshole Simulator '95'?!

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    I head into Trader Bob's shop and am greeted by the man himself. I notice that the dog from the Scumm Bar parrot that we came across earlier is sat on a perch.

    I ask Bob about what the parrot had told me earlier...
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    Bob dishes out the local gossip...
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    Stop press! Joe in 'asking a constructive question' shocker!

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    Because there's nothing conspicuous about a Lederhosen company in the middle of the Amazon Jungle!

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    Lederhosen; it's all the rage with the tribes of today.

    Bob says that he knows Princess Azura personally and asks me to rescue her. He claims that he can't do so himself because he's a lazy coward the kidnappers know that he is friends with Azura and that Joe will stand a better chance of getting near her.

    Joe forgets that he's trying to find a way out of the jungle and save his friends' lives and agrees to help Bob instead.

    I end my conversation with Bob and notice his beef jerky jar is empty. Bob has been selling beef jerky from his store but has run out and is waiting for supplies. What is it with beef jerky and this game?!

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    'Flight of the Amazon Queen', brought to you in association with Blamo's Beef Jerky; serving you the finest in beef jerky since 1806.

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    I offer Bob the last of my beef jerky.
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    Sounds good to me.
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    What. The. Fuck. Shut the hell up, Joe. I'm in charge here and I say take the God damn money. What do you think I am, a charity?

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    No. I insist.

    I hand the jerky over to Bob, take the money and give Joe an evil stare for attempting to screw me over. Bob then tells me that's he's starving (yeah, he really looks it. The skin is just draping off his bones) and wolfs down the beef jerky. For a man named 'Trader Bob', you'd think that he'd know not to consume his own stock. It's hardly a surprise that his fucking jar was empty!

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    I think you meant to say 'Incompetent Trader Bob'.

    Now that I have some money; it's time to have a look at the goods in the store...

    Let's start by looking at some alcohol...
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    Good for you, Joe.
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    Uhhhh... admitting that you're in denial is the first step to recovery, Joe.

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    What's this? A film reel.
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    A Swedish wildlife film? I'm imaging something like this...

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    "And here we observe the wondrous ABBA creatures, grazing amongst their natural habitat; the Eurovision Song Contest. If we're especially quiet then we may be fortunate enough to hear them sing one of their mating calls."

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    Attempting to purchase 99% of the merchandise results in Bob saying the above. I hereby promote Bob from 'Incompetent Trader Bob' to 'Soon to be Out of Business Bob'.

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    "Congratulations, Bob. You've really earned it. You'll find an application for welfare enclosed."

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    In fact, the only item that Bob actually appears to be selling is this vacuum cleaner. So I purchase it.

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    The Oxford Dictionary defines a vacuum cleaner as a device used for the cleaning of carpets, the interior of cars and for tidying up the Amazon jungle.

    Next I talk to Bob's assistant...
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    Wedgewood is the parrot in case you were wondering.

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    "Man, that perfume was totally psychedelic. I was tripping my balls off for weeks. You gotta fix me up with some more, man. I just need another hit. PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME DRY!"

    Of course, I know where to find some perfume and the lady is interested in getting a replacement bottle...

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    Please say access to your vagina. Please say access to your vagina.

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    "Oh, great. Just what I've always wanted. Scissors."

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    I leave the shop to take a cold shower and a cut-scene kicks in.

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    Notice the framed photo of Dr. Fruitloop on the wall. It's the exact same shot from earlier in the game. I guess that the Lackey took a photo of him whilst he was cackling in a evil manner.

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    "Say cheese Nyah ha ha haar, Sir.

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    That's right; humour the old fart, Lackey #6.

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    All together now...
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    DINOSAUR WOMEN!

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    Is Dr. Fruitloop really going to explain his plan every single time we cut to him?! Go on then, do your silly little evil laugh...
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    That's the spirit!

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    "I'll go fetch your medication, Sir."
    "...You crazy old bastard."


    Well, that's it for Part 3.

  • edited April 2012
    You need to center the Indiana Jones poster and the screaming woman below it, but otherwise a perfectly brilliant piece of entertainment. Very much enjoying these, thanks for doing it!
  • edited April 2012
    You need to center the Indiana Jones poster and the screaming woman below it

    Fixed ;)
    ...otherwise a perfectly brilliant piece of entertainment. Very much enjoying these

    Thanks man, I'm so happy that people are enjoying it. Part 3 took five hours to put together!

    First I have to play the game segments themselves and keep my fingers hovered over ALT+S at all times, in order to take screenshots.

    I usually end up with around 200 screenshots for each Part, which I then have to whittle down to the essentials for the forum.

    Next I convert the screenshots to JPEG format (one by one) and upload them to Imageshack.

    Then I have to copy the address for each individual screenshot from Imageshack and paste them onto this thread.

    It's then a case of creating the actual post and coming up with things to say about each screen, whilst also scouring Google Images for relevant pictures.

    It's a bit of a pain in the arse to be honest but it's all worthwhile providing people are entertained by the final result.
    Thanks for doing it!

    No, thank you for taking the time to read through my let's play and leaving kind feedback.
  • edited April 2012
    St_Eddie wrote: »
    Thanks man, I'm so happy that people are enjoying it. Part 3 took five hours to put together!
    ...
    No, thank you for taking the time to read through my let's play and leaving kind feedback.
    You're very welcome! It's easy to enjoy these things when you make them so god-damn funny, and I'm happy to be a fan, as I suspect all of us are. Long may you continue!
  • edited April 2012
    Fantastic stuff. Thanks for putting the effort in and doing this.
  • edited April 2012
    Don't worry, we're being entertained!

    (Especially since I've been drinking already. Must be NHL playoffs or something.)
  • edited April 2012
    This is hilarious and probably much better than a video walkthrough would be (some things just don't translate as well into video). I was in stitches with the looking at Sparky repeatedly to get the "he's looking kinda pudgy" line whenever the piranhas were mentioned. Why do the designers never give us the option to sacrifice our own companions for the good of the plot? Why?
  • puzzleboxpuzzlebox Telltale Alumni
    edited April 2012
    St_Eddie wrote: »
    For a man named 'Trader Bob', you'd think that he'd know not to consume his own stock. It's hardly a surprise that his fucking jar was empty!

    We always called him "Trader Slob". :p
    St_Eddie wrote: »
    Part 3 took five hours to put together!

    It's worth it! I love this game and your Let's Play, thanks so much for taking the time.
  • edited April 2012
    puzzlebox wrote: »
    We always called him "Trader Slob". :p

    Haha. Good one. :D
    puzzlebox wrote: »
    It's worth it! I love this game and your Let's Play, thanks so much for taking the time.

    Aw, thankski verski muchski, budski!

    I'll be uploading Part 4 tomorrow.
  • edited April 2012
    Let's Play 'Flight of the Amazon Queen'
    Part 4: 'Bestiality is Not Acceptable... Unless You're a Missionary'


    It's time to travel to a new location...
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    Let's try exploring the jungle some more.

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    We come across a three-toed sloth, doing what it does best and just hanging out.

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    My first instinct is to discipline the sloth with tough love and force it to respect my "authoritah"!

    Sadly, for some reason the game seems to have no concept of "authoritah" and so therefore the three-toed sloth remains unpunished for daring to exist. Damn it!

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    You win this round, you furry little shit.

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    Moving on, we meet a couple of explorers named Bud and Skip.

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    Bud explains that they were captured by a tribe of Amazonian women and used as sex slaves (no really, that's what they say)...

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    Oh Joe, you're so adorably sexist.

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    However, they were eventually released and are now desperately trying to get captured again.

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    Rape: it's a fun-time bonanza!

    Let's go behind the scenes at Warner Interactive, during the period when 'Flight of the Amazon Queen' was being developed...
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    "Finally, a creative outlet for my lifelong fantasy of having sex with a woman being molested by Amazonian women!"

    Joe then proceeds to ask an incredibly stupid question...
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    It's the fucking Amazon, Joe! What do you think?!

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    The Amazon jungle, as Joe expected it to be.

    He also makes an incredibly stupid statement...
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    Yep, everybody knows that Amazon women are right up there with Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

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    Pfft! 'WWW.SO-FAKE.COM' more like!

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    We then talk to Skip, who is a comic collector. He also tells us that he primarily collects 'Commander Rocket' comics...

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    "Duh, I wonder if this will tie in with me having to find Sparky a replacement comic!"

    Skip also explains to us just how far his hardcore obsession with his hobby extends to, by telling us where he has stored his issue #1 of 'Commander Rocket'...
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    Along with the rotting corpses of several prostitutes, no doubt.

    It's extremely contrived fortunate that Skip just happens to be carrying the exact same issue of 'Commander Rocket' that Sparky has requested. Further more, Skip is more than happy to simply hand it over to us when asked, without wanting anything in return.

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    Puzzles; fuck it, who needs 'em?! I do, when I'm playing a fucking adventure game!

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    A blueprint falls out of the 'Commander Rocket' comic.

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    Skip gives me a 'Commander Rocket' secret code to pass on to fellow fan, Sparky. It reads; 'GSRH RH Z HVXIVG'!

    By using the blueprint, I'm able to translate the secret code (which is actually an easter egg). The translated code reads 'This is a secret'...

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    "Worst. Easter Egg. Ever."

    Before I leave to hand the comic over to Sparky, Bud provides me with one more vital piece of information...
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    Wonderful. Thanks for the information, Bud. Anything else that you'd care to tell me? Perhaps about your chronic case of hemorrhoids? Or shall we just leave it at 'knob-rot', hmm?

    Anyway, Bud requests that I fetch him a cure for "Bud Jr.", should I come across one. Fine, it's not like I have anything better to do then to sort out your diseased penis, Bud. Well, except for...

    * Saving my companions from certain death within the jungle.
    * Saving a Princess from being turned into a dinosaur.


    ... Nope, Bud's rancid cock is clearly the priority here.

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    I make my way back to Sparky, in order to give him his precious 'Commander Rocket' comic.

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    And it's going to be in even less of a 'mint condition' once I've finished beating your sorry ass with it, you bloody ingrate!

    The ungrateful sod begrudgingly accepts the comic, thus restoring his complete 'Commander Rocket' collection...
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    ... no doubt including the 'Pocket Rocket Condom', which is seldom used by comic geeks like Sparky (but hey, at least he's able to keep it sealed and in mint condition).

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    Sparky hands me over one of his files and I'm on my miserable merry way.

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    Making my way back into the jungle, I find a fish attempting to eat a hovering beetle. There's no way to catch the little blighter at present though, so I move on.

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    Oh God, please no! Not again!

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    "FFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKK!"

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    The gorilla tells us that's he's a dinosaur and that he's guarding the log bridge.

    Let's have take another peek behind the scenes at Warner Interactive...
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    "Hey guys, I've got it! You know that really loathsome gorilla character from earlier in the game? Yeah, let's reuse him."

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    I attempt to make the walking turd disappear up his own paradox again but it fails to work this time.

    Running away as fast as I can, I come across...
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    ... Hold on, this scene looks eerily familiar; almost like something from a nightmare! Hmm...

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    "The memories are flooding back. I had tried so hard to forget!"

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    I am incredibly relieved to find that these monkeys don't talk and nor do they practice the art of 'Monkey Kombat'. Phew.

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    It turns out that the two people are married missionaries, named Jimmy and Mary-Lou (I wonder if they're married missionaries who do it in the missionary position?) and they are in the Amazon jungle to educate the local tribes.

    However, the tribes weren't interested in their teachings (who can blame them) and so they've decided to study the local wildlife instead (as you do).

    Frankly, I'm getting bored now and so decide to imagine that Jimmy has a... um, rather unhealthy "special relationship" with the monkeys!
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    ... Yeah, preferably attached to the end of your penis!

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    I bet that you're forever blowing bubbles!

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    "Studying"... yeah, right! I'm sure that you give them a good, hard studying on a regular basis!

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    WARNING: EUPHEMISM OVERLOAD!

    Listen, I apologise for the crudeness of my imagination but I have to do something to keep me sane during this let's play! Give me a break.

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    Moving swiftly on from the subject of bestiality, Jimmy tells me that last month he studied sloths.

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    I'll give you a 50/50 chance of guessing, Joe. It's either :

    A/ The creature you attempted to beat with a bat earlier.

    or

    B/ It's this abomination...



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    Joe must have chosen the latter option because he then asks this question...
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    Joe, you're a fucking moron!

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    I think that the developers had given up at this point and couldn't be bothered to even try and make this "hint" subtle. I shrug my shoulders and give Mary-Lou a replacement file. In exchange, she hands me a 'Pygmy-to-English dictionary', which will allow me to converse with the local tribes.

    Before I head on back to the Pygmy village to try out my new dictionary, I notice that the middle monkey is the only one without a banana...
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    I hand the simian my potassium based treat and I pick up the coconut, which he was previously holding.

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    I arrive back at the village and use my dictionary to communicate with the Chief.

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    He tells me what I already knew hours ago and then proceeds to tell some excruciating jokes, which I've cut from this let's play; you lot owe me big time!

    Seeming as the Chief is about as useful as a solar powered flashlight, I go to talk to the Witch Doctor...
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    No shit, Sherlock!

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    I ask the Witch Doctor to make me a cure for Bud's genital rash, which is honestly something I could've happily gone the rest of my life without asking!

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    The Witch Doctor tells me that I will need to fetch three ingredients for the cure. The items she lists are perplexingly cryptic painfully obvious...

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    That'll be the hair from the three-toed sloth then.

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    Yeah, yeah... the coconut that I'm already carrying.

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    Let's see now; the beetle hovering over the fish, perchance?

    I might as well give her the coconut whilst I'm here...
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    Being that Joe is a complete waste of space, he seems to be unaware that coconuts contain milk! I mean, what were you thinking of doing, Joe? Milking Sparky's man-boobs?!

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    Because Joe would need to be instructed to wipe his own ass, I tell him to use the knife on the coconut and voila; milk.

    That's one of the three ingredients sorted and a good time to save my game I think...

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    Well, that's it for Part 4
  • edited April 2012
    Use spoiler tags on the pics, please. It's really quite annoying.
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