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Diamonds in the Sky [Fan Fiction]

posted by Red Panda on - last edited - Viewed by 2.9K users
On his way west James picked up a hitch hiker, a young woman carrying a paper bag and a leather purse, wearing jeans and a shawl--which she didn't take off, though it was more than ninety degrees out and James had no air conditioning. He was driving an old Toyota Camry with a bad valve system and one long crack in the windshield. He pulled over for her, and she got right in, put the leather purse on the seat between them, and settled herself with the paper bag on her lap between her hands. He had just crossed into Texas from Oklahoma. This was the third day of the trip.

"Where you headed?" he asked.

She said, "What about you?"

"LA, maybe."

"Why maybe?"

And that fast he was answering her questions. "I just graduated college," he told her, though that wasn't exactly the truth. He decided to take a year off from his graduate program after he spent two months in the county jail for assaulting a man at a local bar. He was a bad character. He had a bad temper that got him into plenty of trouble already, and he just wanted to go to LA, to wide open spaces. Just to experience it, really. He had a feeling that people didn't require as much from a person where there was that kind of room.

He didn't have any family now. He had a one-hundred thousand dollars from his father's life insurance policy, and he was going to make the money last a while. He said, "I'm trying to figure out a lot right now."

"Not me," she said.

"You figure out where you're going?"

"You could say that."

"What are you thinking?"

She made a fist and then extended her thumb, and turned it over. "Under," she said. "Down."

"I don't understand what that means."

"Does the radio work?" she asked, reaching for it.

"It's broken," he said.

She pressed the button anyway. Then she sat back and folded her arms over the paper bag.

He took a glance at her. She was skinny and long-necked, and her hair was the color of dark chocolate. She looked just old enough for high school.

"What's in the bag?" he said.

She sat up a little. "Nothing. Another blouse."

"So what did you mean back there?"

"Back where?"

"Look," he said, "we don't have to do any talking if you don't want to."

"Then what will we do?"

"Whatever you want" he said.

"What if I just want to sit here and let you drive me all the way to LA?"

"That's fine," he said. "I don't mind."

"Well, I wouldn't want to do that. We can talk."

"Are you going to LA?" he asked.

She gave a little shrug of her shoulders. "Why not?"

"Sounds like we have a plan," he said, and for some reason he offered her his hand. She looked at it and then smiled at him, and he put his hand back on the wheel.
Red Panda;685129 said:
To Be Continued...
64 Comments - Linear Discussion: Classic Style
  • As he pulled out of the diner he thought he saw what looked like the man's figure in the doorway. His The stress was getting to him. The interstate went into the dark, beyond the flow of the headlights. He lost track of miles, road signs, other traffic, time; trucks came by and surprised him, and other cars seemed to materialize as they started the lane change that would bring them over n front of him. He saw their taillights grow small in the distance, and all the while the girl sat watching him, her hand somewhere under the shawl. For a long time he heard only the sound of the rushing night air at the windows, and then she moved a little, shifted her weight, bringing one leg up on the seat.

    "What were you in jail for, anyway?"

    Her voice startled him, and for a moment he couldn't think of an answer.

    "Come one," she said. "I'm getting bored with all this quiet. What were you in prison for?"

    "I--beat up a guy"

    "That's all?"

    "Yes, that's all." He couldn't keep the irritation out of his voice.

    "Tell me about it."

    "It was just--I just beat up a guy. It wasn't anything."

    "I didn't shoot that man for money, you know."

    James said nothing.

    "I shot him because he made a nasty remark to me about the hot dog."

    "I didn't heary any nasty remark."

    "If he hadn't said it, he'd still be alive."

    James held tight to the whill.

    Don't you wish this was it was the Gotham?" she said.

    "Gotham," he said. "Yeah." He could barley speak for the dryness in his mouth and the deep ache of his own breathing.

    "You know, she said, "I'm not really from Maine.

    He nodded.

    "I'm from Florida."

    "Florida," he managed.

    "Yes, only I don't have a southern accent, so people thing I'm not from there. Do you hear any trace of a souther accent at all when I talk?"

    "No," he said.

    "Now you--you've got an accent. A definite California accent."

    He was silent.

    "Talk to me," she said.

    "What do you want me to say?" he said. "Fuck."

    "You could ask me things."

    "Ask you things--"

    "Ask me what my name is."

    Without hesitating, James said, "What's your name?'

    "You know."

    "No, really," he said, trying to play along.

    "It's Harleen Quinzel."

    "Harleen Quinzel," he said.

    "Nobody but," she said.

    "Good," he said.

    "And I don't care about money, either," she said. "That's not what I'm after."

    "No," James said.

    "What I'm after is adventure."

    "Right," James said.

    "Fast living."

    "Fast living, right."

    "A good time."

    "Good," he said.

    "I'm going to live a ton before I die."

    "A ton, yes."

    "What about you?"

    "Yes," he said. "Me too."

    "Want to join up with me?"

    "Join up," he said. "Right." He was watching the road.

    "She leaned toward him a little. "Do you think I'm lying about my name?"


    "Good," she said.

    He had begun to feel s though he might start though up what he'd had of the hamburger. His stomach was cramping on him, and he was dizzy. He might even be having a heart attack.

    "Your eyes are big as saucers," she said.

    He tried to narrowm them a little. His whole body was shaking now.

    "You know how old I am, James? I'm nineteen."

    He nodded, glanced at her and then at the road again.

    "How old are you?"


    "Do you believe people go to heaven when they die?"
    Red Panda;686128 said:
    To Be Continued...
  • Why do you always share your stories here?
  • I would have loved to be constructive and give you some good critizism, but seeing your answers now again, I just can't, as any energy trying to explain it would be wasted.

    So, the unconstructive part is that your writing is truely bad, I am really sorry, but it's no better than a 8th grade trying to go 'author".

    I DO love your story though, it takes enough of your time as not to troll the forums anymore... so, good on ya mate! Don't stop!
  • 8bit_system;685809 said:
    so, the unconstructive part is that your writing is truely bad, i am really sorry, but it's no better than a 8th grade trying to go 'author".
    8bit_system;685809 said:
    I DO love your story though, it takes enough of your time as not to troll the forums anymore... so, good on ya mate! Don't stop!
  • Desmodus87;685437 said:
    Look, I agree with Milosuperspesh. Also, why would a girl that self sufficient not know how to drive? Even if she's 15 and too young to drive legally, if she was going across the country robbing places, she probably would know how to hot wire a car. Why would she be hitchhiking in the first place?
    She robs and kills a broke old man. She a regular criminal mastermind.
  • jangjangchang;685699 said:
    Why do you always share your stories here?
    Because I can't very well post them there, now could I?
  • You are not being serious there, right?

    You deleted a post where you insulted just about everyone trying to participare until then to make me look stupid? HAHA! I don't believe it...

    Sorry to say, but what a donkey.
  • Milosuperspesh;685192 said:
    i don't have the time to fix it cos it would imo invole a complete re write

    but as an example explain the situation more instead of adding some information at the end like for example

    the girls shawl why mention it at the end and she's not wearing it ?

    you could of said, on an abandoned road a young girl walks in a westerly direction, carrying a leather purse with a shawl under her arm.. or even leave out the material of the purse and have another character in this case james ask what it's made of, you don't have to be so detailed when narrating when you can use a character to do it, this then gives characters more depth and something to say. over use of comma's also break up the flow they are for a pause or to allow the reader to take a breath.

    the story has potential though do you just type it or do you proof read it
    lmfao pure comedy. Let me take your suggestions and try again:

    On an abandoned road a young girl walks in a westerly direction, carrying a purse. James stops to pick up the hitchhiker.

    "Thank you," she said. "I thought I was going to be walking in a westerly direction forever!"

    "You mean walking westerly forever? Isn't it a bit redundant to say westerly direction?" James asked.


    Bemused, he decided to change the subject. "Why were you hitchhiking on an abandoned road?"

    "That's a stupid question! To get a ride. Duh!"

    "But the road is abandoned. No one comes here. Why not a highway or something more practical?" he said, wondering if she had mental defects.

    "This is boring. Let's do something fun. Try to guess what material my purse is!"

    "Um, it's leather."

    "How did you guess?!"

    "What dumbass wouldn't know what it is? It's fucking leather. It's a popular material. Everyone know what leather looks like. Are you high?"

    "No... What a silly thing to ask!" she said, letting out a giggle.

    He stops the car. "That's it. Get out!"
  • 8Bit_System;685900 said:
    You deleted a post where you insulted just about everyone trying to participare until then to make me look stupid? HAHA!
    Do you want me to insult everyone trying to "participare until then" so you don't look stupid? I don't want you to think I'm trying to make you look stupid.
  • You did delete a post right before mine where you insulted Milo, Desmodus87, and jangjangchang.

    In my eyes you made your childish choice, dude.

    P.S.: Trying to be smart on a typo is a really cool thing as well. You are aware that "r" is next to "t" on a standard keyboard - I'm sure of that.
This discussion has been closed.