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Fan Fic: Lee was never bitten!!1!

posted by Fiddle Diddle on - last edited - Viewed by 1K users
Our story picks up right at the end of Ep. 4...

LEE: Clementine! Clementine! Where are you?

LEE nervously shoves his hands in his pockets, finding the LEATHER JACKET from Ep. 2.

LEE: Aw damn, I thought I lost this! Must've gotten jammed down deep when I put that car battery in my pocket earlier.

LEE notices that it's foggy outside and dons his LEATHER JACKET. LEE steps outside, notices the WALKIE TALKIE, reaches for it when HIDDEN ZOMBIE attacks!!!... and gets a mouthful of LEATHER JACKET SLEEVE.


LEE: Aaaaaah!

LEE remembers that this is a zombie game and CURB STOMPS HIDDEN ZOMBIE.

LEE: Whew, close call!

CHRISTA, OMID, KENNY, and BEN enter scene.

OMID: Vernon's gone, and we think he took some stuff. Also, I'm pretty sure that he cheated at poker last night. What an asshole!

LEE: He might've taken Clemmy-Clem, too!

CHRISTA: Clementine is gone?

LEE: Well, ye-

CHRISTA cuts off LEE'S sentence.


OMID: What about our ba-


KENNY: Well, count me out. Lee, you've been a pain in my ass from the start. Back at Hershel's, you ignored my boy when he was in danger, you sided with Larry at the drugstore, when my boy and wife were hungry at the Motor Inn you ate the last piece of food, you didn't help me kill Larry, you endangered my life when you shot that stranger outside the drugstore in Macon, you thought we should stay at the Motor Inn, you never told me that you were a convicted murderer until your secret got out, you beat the s*** out of me on the train, damnit, you made me shoot my own son! I hate you Lee! You never looked out for me or my family! It'll be a cold day in Hell when the time comes that I help you with anything ever! YOU HEAR ME??

LEE: Two words, Kenny: Family. Clementine.

KENNY: Okay I'll come!

BEN: I'm coming too, I guess, or whatever.


OMID: What's this? Looks like Vernon left a note here. Hmm... it says: "Nyah, nyah, nyah!" and there's a face with its tongue sticking out. Vernon is such a naughty person!

A ZOMBIE HORDE arrives at the CANCER CLUB HIDEOUT and THE GROUP needs to make a daring escape to THE ROOFTOP!

CHRISTA: Whoa! This ladder is super long! Could you imagine if one of us was injured, or only had one arm, or something crazy like that? Wouldn't that suck?

THE GROUP uses ladders and bells to divert the ZOMBIE HORDE, LEE proves that he is the best at jumping, KENNY attributes this to LEE'S obvious URBAN QUALITIES, and everyone heads back to THE MANSION.

CHRISTA: Whoa! We got back here super fast! Could you imagine if one of us was injured and prone to blackouts? It'd have taken us FOREVER to get back here! Wouldn't that've sucked?

OMID: Dude, is that Vernon stealing our boat?

VERNON and the CANCER CLUB [JOYCE, CLIVE, and BOYD [you know, the guy with the afro]], wearing pirate hats, are shocked to see THE GROUP return so soon!

VERNON: I can explain this.

OMID: Vernon, you salty old naughty person!

BEN: If we're gonna argue, shouldn't we, like, take this inside or something or whatever I guess in case like some zombies show up?

Just as EVERYONE remembers that this is a zombie game, PLOT CONVENIENT ZOMBIE HORDE arrives!

KENNY: Ben, everyone on the Internet already hates you for kinda maybe sorta having some indirect responsibility in Carley's death, and now they're all going to blame you for jinxing us right now. You're useless and I'll never forgive you for what your actions did to our group and my family! I hate you so much! I hope you rot Ben! It'll be a cold day in hell -

BEN: One word, Kenny: Family.

KENNY: I forgive you for everything.

EVERYONE heads inside THE MANSION and prepares for an awesome fight! ZOMBIFIED BRIE enters THE MANSION, and VERNON, without hesitating, viciously attacks and decapitates her!


OMID: You an ice-cold motherfu**er, Vernon!

VERNON and OMID fist-bump.

CHRISTA: There are too many of them! We need more firepower!

BOYD [afro cancer man] reaches into his infamous paper bag and pulls out a BOMB! [seriously? this was a popular theory on this forum?] BOYD hurls said BOMB into PLOT CONVENIENT ZOMBIE HORDE and utterly demolishes all of them!

LEE: Boyd, you've saved us all!

BOYD: Don't thank me, Lee. Thank everyone on the Telltale Games Forums who seriously thought that I had a bomb in my paper sandwich bag and wrote about it online, giving the writer of this fan fic the idea!

SUDDENLY, a helicopter arrives, and THE GROUP is shocked to see that it is piloted by DOUG and CARLEY, the latter of which is sporting and EYE PATCH!

LEE: We thought you guys were dead!

DOUG: Well, I "died" off-camera, and according to many people on the Internet, if a character's death isn't explicitly shown to the audience, than it probably didn't happen!

KENNY: That's ridiculous!

CARLEY: And I was just shot in the eye and stunned temporarily! By the way, thanks for NOT checking on me! I was obviously alive! Anyways, we have no time to lose; Lee, we have to take you to the Marsh House where Clementine has been taken!

LEE: Wait, How do you know that Clementine has been taken to the Marsh House?

CARLEY: Do you seriously think that the writer of this fan fic cares enough about plot continuity to have a good answer to that question?

LEE: Good point.

DOUG and CARLEY drop LEE off at THE MARSH HOUSE where his climactic confrontation with RADIO MAN will occur!

RADIO MAN: You see Lee, under my leadership, both of my children died, so I'm a obviously a better father figure than you.

LEE: Ya know, this thread is getting pretty long... Can we just wrap this up?

RADIO MAN: Oh alright.

RADIO MAN shoots himself! CLEMENTINE and LEE reunite and make a daring escape with DOUG and CARLEY! After CLEMENTINE is finally safe, THE GROUP decides that it's time to part ways.

CHRISTA and OMID find a nice and safe cottage out in the country, and in a surprise to absolutely nobody, it turns out that CHRISTA WAS PREGNANT THE WHOLE TIME!

KENNY becomes an honorary member of the CANCER CLUB in exchange for letting them come with him on his boat. Before putting on his brand new pirate hat, it is revealed that he does indeed have another mustache under his trucker hat.

BEN eventually finds his family alive and well, but in a shocking twist, it turns out that they don't actually like him at all either, because really I mean who does?

DOUG and CARLEY have ten babies together.

LEE gets to set up a post-apocalyptic grade school with CLEMENTINE as his sole pupil. AWWWWWWWWW!!

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