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What will the dialogue sound like? Winners Announced!

posted by Strongsadioware on - last edited - Viewed by 9K users
This was a thread floating around before the original Poker Night released: guess and make-up some cool conversations the characters of Poker Night 2 might have. Want the TTG developers to insult your writing skills and laugh at your out-of-character writing? Post right here!

Also, as of April 3rd, the best Community Moderator to ever live, divisionten, is going to be handing out rewards to the best quips which are organized by category. The Best Overall will be rewarded with a copy of Poker Night 2! Any others that are really good for the other categories will be rewarded other Steam games. The deadline's April 15th, so make it snippy!

Remember, you've not only got the poker players, but you also have GLadOS and even the other folks at the Inventory (Moxxi, Max) at the ready. Speaking of GLadOS, let's start off:

GLadOS: This feels like the appropriate setting for a joke. May I?
Brock: Sure.
Ash: Shoot.
Sam: Alright.
Claptrap: You can do ANYTHING, my beautiful queen!
GLadOS: ...yes, well. A group of five poker players stroll into a speakeasy, and then they get hit with neurotoxin, which invades their lungs, and makes them unable to breathe, killing them. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
*awkward silence*
Claptrap: ...I don't get it.
115 Comments - Linear Discussion: Classic Style
  • Sam: Hey, Max!
    Max: Excuse me, Sam, but my new name at the Inventory is "Paws Hogg, Poker Pro", and you will refer to me as such.
    Sam: But you lost every game you played here.

    Sam: Hey, little buddy.
    Max: Yeah?
    Sam: What do you think I should do with these cards?
    Max: Well, if it were me, I'd probably shove them into my-
    Sam: No, no, not like that! I mean, how should I play them?
    Max: Oh, thank God you clarified, cause I was going to tell you those cards look like garbage! Fold.

    Claptrap: So, minions, any of you have a female fleshbag at home?
    Ash: HAD one. She, uh...became one of them...the deadites.
    Brock: Sucks. Sorry to hear that. I can relate, actually; had a girl who I fought with all the time, Molotov. Hell of a woman. She had an accident, and I'm assuming she passed on as well. The important thing is, you gotta stay strong, or else-
    Claptrap: UGH. Everyone makes excuses! Now, as for me, I-
    GLadOS: I actually had one back at Aperture.
    Claptrap: Ohhhh! So you swing THAT way.
    GLadOS: Unfortunately, we had to go our separate ways after we had an incident with a potato and a moron...
    Claptrap: Kinky!
  • Possible as a threat one (For when player does what the game classes as a bad move):
    Glados: "Did I ever tell you what happened to the last moron who did stupid things?"
  • Max:Hey Sam what's your cards?
    Sam:Crap cards little buddy
    Max:Hold on i'll sneak you some new ones from my inventory
    GladOS: Little bunny thing, have i ever told you what happened to the last person who tried to cheat in my tests?
    Brock:Where do you even keep your stuff? You're naked!
    GladOS:Yes none of my scans can locate your items bunny thing
    Max:That's none of you're damn business computer!

    Tryout for best pickup line:
    ClapTrap: Hey Glados anyone ever tell you that you look as young and cute as a new computer
    GladOS:You remind me of a robot i knew...
    Claptrap:Really did you love him
    GladOS: He was a moron who pissed me off and ended up in space, Maybe you would like to join him?
    Claptrap:No! I'm just in....
    GladOS :Let me make this clear you poor excuse for a robot, if you are here as part of my test and if you don't cooperate you won't get your cake.
  • Sam:"As much as I want to, I probably shouldn't shoot Claptrap"
    Claptrap:"What was that?"
    Sam:"You uhh weren't supposed to hear that"
  • IMPORTANT NOTE AS OF APRIL 16th 2013: I already preordered Poker Night 2, so I waive the grand prize. I'd still love to win best overall anyway. Now for the rest of the post.


    I'll take you up on your challenge by attempting all the categories.

    This is a challenge because I do not know half of the characters. I will not, however, ever pass up the opportunity for free stuff and instead will cross my fingers and hope that my one possible talent as a writer might pull me through.

    I'm all in!!

    GLaDOS: Aperture Science reminds you that there are no defective decks of cards in play, nor are there defective test subjects. You are merely an idiot.
    Claptrap: Oooh, one of my favorite hobbies! Crying! *sob*
    Sam: If I acted with an all in for any alliterative affirmation I announced, I'd advocate another all in.
    Ash: If I say something really cool, do you solemnly swear not to quote it on end until I'm tired of saying it?
    Brock: I came here for a men's night out and some cards, and yet again I'm a glorified babysitter.

    Let's just forego the ones we are all predicting and go really, really out there. Like here, in this fabricated sequence.
    GLaDOS: Oh. Fascinating. This is rare.
    Brock: You're looking at me.
    GLaDOS: Are you available for testing within your short-sighted understanding of anything resembling the future that science brings? You are an ideal candidate for--
    Brock: I'm not interested.
    GLaDOS: The Enrichment Center reassures you that your compatability with--
    Brock: Look, GLaDOS. I'm sure you're a nice... lady, but it just isn't going to work out.
    GLaDOS: Your rejection of a proposal not yet fully articulated does not diminish your value and worth to science... only my patience, of which I refuse to quantify.
    Brock: *grunt* I'm sorry. It's too soon.
    GLaDOS: Oh. The competition had you? I'm so sorry.
    Brock: No, you're not.
    GLaDOS: You're right. You horrible person, stabbing a knife into my cold, logical, beating heart. Putting all these carefully scheduled, important tests to waste. No wonder you have a metal plate so close to your heart. You are physically incapable of reaching out with it.
    Brock: (muttering) Women.

    GLaDOS: Assume the party escort submission position with your cards. They will not want to miss the party.
    Claptrap: Minion! I order you to pay me tribute so that you may bask in the glory of my shapely hand!
    Sam: Oh, by the way, thanks for putting a dent in Max's gambling debts in advance.
    Ash: I'll take over your hand and I'm not going to give it back. Uh, I mean your cards, by the way.
    Brock: Look, I got you beat. Don't make me twist the knife. It's not easy to clean...

    GLaDOS: I considered sharing the probability of your success, but determined such low numbers were no longer science. They were depressing.
    Claptrap: (to chips) Hello, travelers! You've finally made tourism a viable industry!
    Sam: At least you show better sportsmanship than Leonard Steakcharmer.
    (Max adds: Ooh! Ooh! Let's collect some more gamblers in our closet!)
    Ash: Hail to the king, baby.
    (someone else): King high is a bad hand.
    Ash: I said hail!
    Brock: Don't beat yourself up over it... I already did that for you.

    (note: Claptrap sounded like he was his 'in character' self in the games and still okay with Hyperion in that teaser video, may as well run with it.)
    Claptrap: So, minions, may I make a suggestion about the wonders of Hyperion armaments?
    Ash: I'm good. Boomstick, S-Mart, you know that song and dance.
    Claptrap: Then how about you, oh sapient skag-like minion!
    Sam: I can't speak for Max after what he did last time he came here, but my gun's still as trusty as it's ever been.
    Claptrap: Surely I can convince one of you to vouch for their effectiveness!
    Brock: Actually, I can. Faced down a whole squad of rogue terrorists.
    Claptrap: Then surely you can speak to their quality by how many times the New-U station saw your business!
    Brock: No... they were all dead in six seconds.
    Claptrap: That's not the customer testimonial I'm looking for at all! Step your games up, minions!
    Brock: So, Ash. How's work?
    Ash: Shop smart, S-Mar--
    Brock: Yeah, I know the slogan. I mean, how is it beyond that?
    Ash: Just a couple undead outbreaks, angry demons... usual day in Housewares.
    Claptrap: So do you think they'll finally take up Marcus' offer to let him expand there?
    Ash: Yeah, no.
    Brock: Just another day then, huh.
    Ash: Just another day.
    Sam: Idle chatter somehow seems even more idle when the chatter is about idling itself.
    Brock: You said it.
    Sam: You know, I'm a little nervous.
    Brock: You want to be good at cards, you don't get a little nerve wrack get in the way.
    Sam: Oh, no, it's that I'm worried we might miss a phone call from the Commissioner out in these parts. It's been a while since they last called.
    Brock: Couldn't you get a cellphone or something?
    Ash: Cell... phone?
    Brock: Yeah, don't you have those where you're from? Small, portable, able to carry them wherever you go...
    (Ash and Sam both give confused looks.)
    Brock: You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
    Claptrap: Oooh! Oooh! An ECHO! You'd never miss another call again, even if you wanted to!
    Brock: On second thought, forget it.
    Sam: So, in the comical but unlikely event we have to flee national borders, anybody know any interesting vacation spots?
    Claptrap: I heard Jakobs Cove is hiring!
    Brock: He said vacation spots, not job opportunities.
    Claptrap: All I know is that it's lush, fertile, and not at all home to legions of crawling undead as the result of some medical experiments gone horribly awry!
    Ash: ...That sounds like the most passive-aggresive way to say 'Ash, go kill some Deadites!'
    Claptrap: (quietly and fast) Yes it is.
    GLaDOS: I have a scientific questionnaire. Participation is mandatory, and not at all through intimidation.
    Sam: I can't say no to the future of education.
    Ash: I didn't have time to study.
    GLaDOS: How lucky do you feel?
    Brock: Is that a threat?
    Claptrap: I feel lady luck is giving me a lapdance right about now! Uh, does the G.L. stand for Great Lapdances? In which case, you'll give me a lapdance, right?
    GLaDOS: This scientific questionnaire is over.
    Sam: Nuts, I didn't get a chance to answer! I was going to go with "kind of like velcro with only a small collection of lint."
    (this is two man but I didn't want to leave this out)
    Brock: I came here to play cards and have a good smoke, and I'm all out of--
    Ash: Smokes? Yeah, heard that one, kind of.
    Brock: No... just out of good cards.

    Moxxi: Any one of you fancy a drink?
    (followed by one of...)
    GLaDOS: These gentlemen are well hydrated by that test subject's bitter tears.
    Claptrap: Anything with enough sugar in it, so long as it comes from your lips!
    Sam: I'd take you up on it if I weren't already working down Max's astronomical gambling tab.
    (Max adds to this: You can find it near Jupiter! Scientists call it Francis.)
    Ash: Hey, what do you say we get some... nah, I'm not going there.
    Brock: I know what they put in booze on Pandora, and it ain't pretty.

    GLaDOS: Your admiration of a series of rectangular shapes of a given height, width, and depth is not part of the test.
    Claptrap: Ooh, check me out! I'm waiting, I'm waiting!
    Sam: I like the way you think. I often stand around in the middle of people waiting for me to say something for an uncomfortable amount of time on end, too.
    Ash: This is my BORED YAWN. *yawn*
    Brock: *low grount, eye twitch* C'mon already!
  • Group Chatter
    GladOS:OK test players, you all now why you are here.
    Sam:to play cards?
    ClapTrap:To ask GladOS on a date?
    GLaDOS:Say that again and I'll drop you into a room filled with turrets
    Ash:to kill zombies?
    Brock:Will all you ladies shut your mouths and just buy in!
    (Everyone throws their money in except Sam)
    Sam:Little buddy what happened to the money I had in my coat pocket
    Max:When you gave it to me to watch I spent it buying gum balls and cheese from Bosco.
    (Everyone hears a voice from so somewhere else in the Inventory shout CHEESE!!! (Wallace)
    GLaDOS:If you can't buy in then it looks like I'll be getting a new test subject
    Sam:I hate to do this but I would like to buy in with my hat
    Ash:How do you buy into a game with a hat?
    Sam:its a nice hat.
    GLaDOS:Fine let the test begin!

    Brock:So Sam why do ya carry around that box?
    Sam:It's my Inventory!
    Brock:How do you carry that in your pocket?
    Ash:Should you really be questioning it, I mean come on your talking to a giant talking dog wearing a suit and hat and your host is a giant crazy robot
    Claptrap:Hey shut up about my queen!
    (Claptrap attempts to hit Ash)
    Ash:Sit down now you annoying little robot or I will take you outside and give you a look at my chainsaw.
    Max:WOO FIGHT!
    (GLaDOS Puts down turrets everywhere and the screen blacks out with the turrets talking and shooting)
    (10 Minutes Later)
    (Everyone sits down again)
    Sam: well That was an situation, anyway you wanted to know about my box.
    Brock:I don't I want to know after all that.

    Sam:Wow Max these guys couldn't beat Harry in a card game
    GLaDOS:Could you at least try and stop being losers?
    Ash:I'm beginning to think that the zombies have more brains than you guys since I'm winning so easy.
    Brock:Hey so you ladies want to tell me when you're gonna stop being losers?
    Claptrap:Once I beat you losers I'll give all the money to GLaDOS my queen.
  • BROCK: Do you ever wonder how quickly a man can kill another after being beaten in a poker game? Wanna find out?

    ASH: Fold, check, bet, raise; I've got S-Mart brand cards. Guaranteed to make you win any poer game.

    CLAPTRAP: Minion! You should totally go all in! I promise you won't lose all your money in a horrible decision that will make you contemplate your mortal and weak existence!

    SAM: Holy Pinkerton police officer punching a poor plastered Pennsylvanian! That's an big pot!
  • Best Gloat
    Sam:Hey Little Buddy we won! What do ya say we stop and buy some overpriced stuff at Bosco's?
    GLaDOS:The test is over and you all lose, instead of cake you get to become my new test subjects
    Ash:Now to use this money to buy new things, maybe a chainsaw upgrade
    Brock:At this rate I could quit my job as a bodyguard
    Claptrap:Thanks for playing minions, guess I win, now to buy some upgrades.
  • Sam:so Ash you kill Zombies
    Ash:Yes why have you been in contact with them?
    Sam:Well there was this German vampire who had zombies as minions, but they mainly danced.
    Ash:Ah so you got your guns and began killing them?
    Sam:Not exactly
    Ash:Then what did you so?!
    Sam:Solved puzzles!
    Ash:are you serious
    Max:Yeah me and Sam even were zombies!
    (Ash flips over the table and attacks Sam & Max)
    10 Minutes later
    Max:that was so cool Sam lets do it again.
    Sam:Little Buddy I don't want to be chased half way through town from a zombie killer trying to kill us.
    (Ash returns)
    GLaDOS:Sit down Ash or I will have to punish you for not doing the test. Anyway my scans show them as living.
    Ash:I've got my eye on you dog.
  • Oh, that contest sounds awesome!
    Should we label the category each line falls in? Cause I can go back and decide what's what, if needed.


    GLaDOS: I’d like to congratulate most of you on your body’s resilience to a room filled with slow-acting Neurotoxin.
    I’d also like to commend another one of you for bravely continuing to spend their last three hours playing a card game.


    Sam: (looking at cards) Holy tumbling tanker ships slathered in vegan calamari driven by a Greek God with a glandular condition hurtling towards the community center and a gr--
    (pauses, clears throat)
    Sam, casually:....raise.


    [Spoiler](Brock yells at Claptrap)
    Ash: Dammit, you’ve been going on about that chatty metal idiot all night. Suck it up and play.
    Brock: I've had one of your "chatty metal idiots" shoved into my fucking body and nearly kill me. Do you have any idea what that's like?
    (Table tips, all chips falls into Brock’s pile)
    GLaDOS: Mr. Samson wins the hand.[/Spoiler]


    (Beginning of game)
    Brock, eyeing GLaDos: How the hell do you know this thing?
    Sam: It's the entirety of this year's Presidental Scientific Research Budget. She's been babysitting Max for the last few months.
    Max, off-screen: (ecstatic) Auntie Gladys is here?!

    (later, mid-game)
    GLaDOS: Tell me rabbit-monster, have you ever experienced the rare opportunity of seeing your bones being removed from your body?
    Max: Oh, you spoil me.

    (even later)
    GLaDOS: Dog, I’d like to thank you for your companion’s contributions to science. He's taught the world so much about reanimating the recently deceased to kill them again.
    Max: You gotta try it, Sam! I got close enough to God to tug on his beard!
    Sam: We'd better respect that restraining order, Max. The Almighty has good lawyers.

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