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Let's Play... Simon the Sorcerer 3D

posted by Darth Marsden on - last edited - Viewed by 18.9K users
So I'm doing a run through that most infamous of bad adventure games, Simon the Sorcerer 3D. This is so I can do a Madisun's Arc review of it, and like all my video game reviews I'm playing through the whole thing and recording it so that I essentially have a complete video run of the game.

The thing is, doing this is long. And boring. And requires me to convert a LOT of videos from massive avi files (3.95GBs each) into smaller wmv ones that don't take up every bit of free space on my hard drive. And while the videos are converting, I can't actually play the game. Well, maybe I could, I dunno, but I don't really want to be converting video files AND recording footage from a game at the same time. I think my motherboard might melt.

So, during this down time, I figured I'd do something. Going back to the videos I've already converted to wmv files, I'm grabbing screenshots from them and I'm going to do a picture based storytelling exercise... thing.

So here we go!

Let's Play... Simon the Sorcerer 3D


The game opens up with a blatant rip-off from Star Wars. Because that was topical. (Actually, it was - the game came out around the same time The Phantom Menace was released on DVD. So this comment is probably a bit redundant and I should therefore probably stop talking.)

This text basically sums up the events of the first two games. I'll explain most of it as we go along, so I won't bother telling you exactly what it says here.

This is Runt. No, seriously. That's his name.


He's the 'apprentice' for the main villain of the series...


Oh no, it's just the titular SIMON THE SORCERER.

Oddly enough, you actually play as the bad guy in this series. It's a refreshing change from the norm, and makes the franchise a lot more interesting as a resul-

Oh, right. This isn't actually Simon. It's the warlock Sordid, who's spirit possessed Simon's body at the end of the previous game. Sorry. As you'll see later on, Simon's so vicious to people it's hard to tell the difference between him and the villain sometimes!

Sordid's been taking Simon's body on a funky little joy-ride, and while he's been away, Runt (god I feel so stupid every time I say that) has built him a nice new body to inhabit.

Which he promptly does.

Because let's be honest, if you had the chance to take on the form of a giant ED-209-like monster machine, you would to.

(How he'll ever get laid again is a question for the ages, but I guess we're not supposed to think about that.)

Runt (ugh) tells Sordid (actually, that sounds dirty as well. I think I'll need a shower after I'm done with this) about his plan for finding 'The Ancient One'.

He'll have to be more specific than that though, since there's around a thousand 'Ancient Ones', most of which aren't going to be particularly inclined to help a pair of Sordid Runts.

I mean, do they mean the guy who taught Doctor Strange?


The guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?


This... THING from Star Wars?


Be a little more specific people, that's all I'm asking!

Then they both have a good laugh over a dirty joke. I think. I kinda zoned out there trying to decide which Ancient One they were talking about.

Uh, where were we?

Oh. Right. We're... somewhere else now. In the rain, apparently.
(You can't tell because it's just pictures, but there's no sound effects whatsoever here. It's really very weird seeing the rain but not actually hearing it. Odd disconnect.)

And we get a glorious ass shot (or at least it would be a glorious ass shot if the graphics weren't so awful) of some chick who must be absolutely freezing as she carries Simon's body to the top of a... wait.


No, seriously - How. Did. She. Do. That? You can't just brush something like that under the rug, game! It's a pretty big thing to skip over! Explain, dammit! EXPLAIN!



So the chick just leaves Simon's body at the top of the stairs as she does a dramatic pose in front of three old guys, which diminishes the effect somewhat, but I guess she takes what she can get.

Fortunately the old guys can make Simon's body float over to them, which just begs the question of why the hell they didn't do that in the first place instead of making Lara McNotCroft drag him all the way to the top of the pyramid.


And so they lower Simon's body into the pit of sharp pointy things coated with horribly nasty poison, and he was never heard from again.

Everyone toasts to a job well done and the game is over.


...I wish.[/CENTER]
252 Comments - Linear Discussion: Classic Style
  • ryannumber1gamer;778154 said:
    Doctor Who The Eternity Clock:D
    Wait there is an L in the title for this game. Wasted money then.
  • I won't do a Let's Play of The Eternity Cock (snigger). It wouldn't be very interesting.
  • Darth Marsden;778264 said:
    I won't do a Let's Play of The Eternity Cock (snigger). It wouldn't be very interesting.
    I beg to differ. You can make any boring LP interestikng. All you need is a terrible game and some dental surgery. Case in point:
  • I meant a screenshot Let's Play. You can't really do one of those with a platformer. Very dull.

    A VIDEO Let's Play is perfectly doable. I just. Don't. Want. To.

    EDIT: Also, reviewing Simon's list of crimes, I've come to realize that one of them isn't technically Murder, but Animal Cruelty, so I'm retroactively changing it. Sadly, this takes his current kill-count down from Six to Five.

    HOWEVER. I now present, so far, the entire list of crimes Simon has committed. See if you can identify what each one was! Cookie for the first person to do so.

    Murder: 5 counts
    Theft: 2 counts
    Animal Cruelty: 4 counts
    Aiding and Abetting a Fugitive
    Grievous Bodily Harm: 4 counts
    Trespassing (you won't get this one - it's actually for entering the old drunk's hut in the swamp, since he doesn't want you there)
    Animal Poaching: 2 counts
    Child Abuse
  • Darth Marsden;778613 said:
    I just. Don't. Want. To.
    Well speaking from experience of a viewer you shouldn't. We were all glad when Drake came to an end.:D
  • der_ketzer;778620 said:
    We were all glad when Drake came to an end.:D
    Christ, I need to finish that Let's Play at some point. *shudder*

    Also, check my previous post for a chance to win a cookie.
  • No-one wanted to try? Oh well, I guess I get all the cookies then.


    (Shut up, the lighting was awful)

    Anyway. I'm still working on the full review of this game, hence the lack of proper updates for a couple of days. They'll return soon, I promise. To make up for it though, here's a clip from said review, highlighting Simon's crimes.

  • I'm not sure how I missed this thread before but I've read all 9 pages of it today... good stuff (the 'let's play', not the game itself obviously). Seeing what an uber-nutsack Simon is, will surely make Joe King seem a lot more likable from now on!
  • Oh hell, I forgot all about this. Bugger.

    I'll get back to this next week, promise.
  • ...and we're back. Finally. Oops.

    The reason for the delay was actually two-fold, so allow me to explain.

    First, there was my review (and subsequent addendum going into more detail about the minigames). As I said in the first post of this thread, I was doing this while the video I captured was being converted in less hard-drive raping sizes. Well, that process had finished and I could finally work on putting the reviews together, which I did, putting this Let's Play on hold during the process.

    Second, and this was the big one - I realized I was missing some footage from the next part of the Let's Play! This meant I had to go back and replay the game to get it, and that would require finding a savegame from before the puzzle had been solved. Which I didn't have.

    So I kind of put the whole thing off and forgot about it. Not very professional, I admit, but there you go. Fortunately, St. Eddie reminded me I really should be getting on with this, so here we are!

    Now then. Where were we?


    Ah yes, we were going to fix everyone up. Let's start with Coneman the Barabrain, since he's the one I had to go back and get new footage for (which'll explain the difference in screenshot size & quality, sorry).

    We have the kid's teeth (from giving him the 'gobstopper') and we have a toy ACTION FIGURE of the man in question, so let's go get our voodoo on.


    We hand over the teeth (which, if you look in the top-right corner, you can see are still bloody) and...


    ...the demons just eat them.


    That... that's just disturbing (and not at all a completely random excuse to insert an animated image from one of my favourite movies, no sir).


    Yes. Yes we have.

    Screw it. Voodoo up that doll, bitches.





    We now have a voodoo doll of Coneman the Barabrain. Why? Because the acupuncturist-demons don't do house calls, so we'll have to get them to do their work on the voodoo doll.

    So let's go do that.




    But... but you're the one who gave...




    Dude, don't encourage him.

    Anyway, he gets his partner to do his thing on the doll.


    Oh, THAT'S encouraging.



    (And yes, he is doing the fist-pump dance thing. It's every bit as stiff and painful to watch as you'd imagine)


    Oh phew. That's a relief.

    And if you've seen my review of the game, then you'll know EXACTLY how that second part turns out and are no doubt counting down the seconds until I cover it here.

    Right. So we've gotten Coneman all fixed up - let's get on with the others. Just to remind us of who we've got to go, here's a handy dandy list:

    - Coneman the Barabrain
    - Jar Nin (the corpse)
    - Prince Charming (the frog)
    - The REAL Mellisa Leg (the hero)

    All this*, next time!


    *DISCLAIMER: We will not cover all of this in the next session
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