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Joke Thread

posted by Noname215 on - last edited - Viewed by 3.1K users
On these forums, we’re all comedians, so I figured we could have a thread where we share jokes.

I’ll start.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down the front of his pants. The bartender says, “What’s that there for?” The pirate says, “Arr, it’s drivin’ me nuts!"
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  • i have a good joke but its kinda racist so il keep it to myself :/
  • War doesn't determine who is right only who is left
  • Alcoremortis;804685 said:
    This is a flagrant ripoff of my joke from earlier.
    Is it? I didn't even realize. I got it from a joke book.

    Lemme try another one:

    Why do blondes drive BMWs? It's the only car they can spell.
  • Alcoremortis;804685 said:
    This is a flagrant ripoff of my joke from earlier.
    A muted trumpet falls off a cliff

    Wah waaaaaaaaah
  • One of my favorites. Be warned -- it's a long'un.:

    A man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

    So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

    The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie popped out!

    "The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

    The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

    "The genie said, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!

    "So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

    "The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

    "The genie boomed, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

    The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head."
  • A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two-foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says,'I suppose you won't be needing a drink.' Naked lady says...
  • This thread is a joke.

    Also, I don't get Chyron's joke. Should I feel bad?
  • It’s pulled out of The Breakfast Club. There is no actual punchline. However, I wrote one.

    A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a 2 foot salami under the other. Blonde says to barman "I got these for my husband". Barman looks at the stuff and says "Good trade".
  • or the naked blonde says nothing, the barman wonders whats going on and asks her

    'are you ok ?'

    the blonde says nothing

    the barman calls the police...

    mean while the other patrons are wondering whats going on..

    a two officers arrive.

    they put a blanket over her and as they try to lead her out of the pub to take her to hospital... she falls on the floor and die's...

    the salami starts to make a rumbling noise,,, the poodle jumps off the table and runs outside... the salami is actually a bomb and it blows up...

    the dog stops afew blocks away panting... a man in a dark hood picks him up and pets him 'saying well done fluffy'

    the end.

    police are reporting an office was broken into where the only thing stolen was the white out/tippex supply.... the investigating officers hope they make no mistakes in their search for the culprits
  • Two men are in a lifeboat, having escaped a sinking ship, and open up one of the bottles of water they've taken with them. Suddenly a genie pops out.

    "Ah, thank you for releasing me, my friends! Some jerk stuffed me in there for a laugh."

    The two men look at each other in bafflement before asking the genie if he's legit.

    "Indeed. unfortunately, because this is not my lamp, I can only grant you one wish."

    In a heartbeat, one of the men shouts "I wish the ocean was beer!" and with a click of his fingers, the genie makes it so. The boat is now floating in an ocean consisting entirely of beer.

    As the man looks at it with eager eyes, the other man smacks him across the back of the head.

    "You idiot!" he yells. "Now we'll have to piss in the boat!"
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