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Joke Thread

posted by Noname215 on - last edited - Viewed by 3.1K users
On these forums, we’re all comedians, so I figured we could have a thread where we share jokes.

I’ll start.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down the front of his pants. The bartender says, “What’s that there for?” The pirate says, “Arr, it’s drivin’ me nuts!"
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  • two fish are swimming around in a river, it starts to rain. one fish says : quick lets find shelter before we get wet !
  • How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Two. The question is, how do you get them in there?
  • One day a little blonde girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
    The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
    The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree."
    The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
    ''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
    The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
    The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
    The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
    Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
  • what do you call a deaf dog ?

    it doesn't matter because he can't hear you...

    what do you call a blind deaf and mute and legless stag ?

    again it doesn't matter cos he can't see, hear or even come to you..
  • Two cannibals were eating a clown when one turned to the other and said "Does this taste funny to you?"
  • a man is feeding his dog the usual dog only food... the dog eats his bowl with a grunt..
    the man sits down with his own dinner and starts to watch a football game..

    the dog upon finishing his meal. walks in the room where the man sits lays down in front of the tv and the dog licks his balls.. the man shouts : for gods sake 'riley' y u do dis every time...

    riley looks at him with a mournfull look and says: cos my balls taste alot better than that shit you make me eat..
  • Three guys crash on a tropical island and find it to be infested with cannibals. The chief cannibals tells them to go out into the jungle and bring back ten pieces of one kind of fruit. The first gut comes back with 10 apples, and the Chief says to him: “Shove each and every one of these apples into your ass without making a face, and you live. If you wince, you die.” In goes one apple, but on the second one he winced out in pain, so Guy 1 is eaten. Guy 2 comes back with berries, and the chief explains the challenge to him. “This is gonna be easy,” he says to himself. So in goes the first eight berries, but just before they could put in berry 9, he burst out laughing, so he was killed. Guy 1 and Guy 2 meet later in Heaven. “Why did you laugh,” Guy 1 asks. “You almost won!” Guy 2 starts laughing again. “I couldn’t help it. I say the other guy coming back with pineapples!"
  • This one's nasty. Fair warning.

    A guy on holiday in Amsterdam decides to visit a brothel. When he gets there, he asks for the cheapest woman available, and is shown into a room where a woman is already lying on a bed. Eager to begin, the man undresses and clambers on top, doing the deed. With every stroke in however, the woman spits into his face.

    After a few strokes, the man's had enough of this and storms out to complain. "Hey! That woman's spitting at me!"

    The guy behind the counter sighs and turns to a couple of guys playing cards. "You heard the man - go empty the corpse."
  • telltale episodes 2 and 3 release date ?

    what do you call pedo bear after a threesome ?


    apologies if that's across the line
  • Nah, that was fine. I think.

    A man is meeting with his lawyer to deal with divorce papers.

    "So," the lawyer says, "it says here that she's filing for divorce after you threw a trifle at her".

    The man shrugs. "Yep. And now she's claiming custard-y."
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